10 Useful Things I Learned in 2009

Happy birthday, Diana! And happy belated new year, everyone else!

With 2010 fresh upon us, it seems like ’tis the season. What about you? Add yours in the comments!

1. How to tell the difference between real Game Boy Advance cartridges and counterfeit ones.

There are plenty of detailed guides online (this one, for instance), so I won’t rehash them. In a nutshell, if the label is at all askew or strange, if there’s a hole in the backing when you look up the cartridge, and if there are no indented numbers on the label, then it’s probably a fake. Some warning signs of online used games being counterfeit include shipping cartridge only, reviewer comments that mention problems saving the game, and ridiculously low prices.

Even if you don’t care about the legality of counterfeit cartridges, fake games are bad because they are poorly made, break down faster, sometimes have game-hanging bugs, and often lose saved data. Also? If you don’t care about legality, then you might as well just download a ROM for free instead of paying to break the law. Just sayin’.

2. How to judge a science fair.

I was fortunate enough to be asked to adjudicate a science fair at an elementary school at which a friend of mine teaches. Usually, when I think of “science”, I think of professional scientists who work in universities, hospitals, and industry, but that’s not the way most people do it.

More people understand science as the section of the newspaper that also deals with “& technology” than as a way of thinking or a method. For most people, science isn’t hands-on individual investigation – it’s research into established fact through secondary sources.

Now, I know this is kind of like saying “for most people, writing isn’t working on novels and plays – it’s jotting down notes in their agendas, writing forum posts, and text messaging!”. Yeah, I’m not trying to say science or the definition of science should change; I’m just saying that the way people think about Science [careful, link leads to flashy animation like the kind that gives Homer and the kids a seizure in the episode when the Simpsons visit Japan]  and who does science and how to get more people to see that it matters doesn’t always mesh with the reality.

In some ways, science is just as much a kid counting the number of different coloured candies in several mixed packs as it is a professional physicist using the Large Hadron Collider.

3. How to create several theatrical special effects in Victorian England, Europe, and North America.

Mostly: build machines. Machines that seem ridiculously complicated when compared to our contemporary options of “download and play a sound effect!” or “program a lighting sequence into the board!”. Need it to sound like wind? Sure, no problem. We’ll construct a barrel with wooden protrusions jutting out from its frame and rotate it quickly in a tight cloth cover. Thunder? Well, we need to rattle thin steel sheets, beat some drums, and, at the same time, fill a cart with heavy things, set it on irregularly shaped wheels and roll it around backstage.

4. How to fit about 20 people in my residence suite.

This may not seem so useful right now, but I assure you it is the product of empirical experimentation.

5. How not to compulsively check spoilers, message boards, reviews, and/or fanfiction for my favourite TV show.

Because let’s face it, I really only watch one at a time*.

My strategy involves a lot of judicious use of the Firefox history “Forget about this site” option.

… OK, I need to work on this one. But still: I don’t know what’s going to happen on House next. I don’t know what other people think is going to happen on House next . I don’t even know what people think should happen on House next (well, except I’m pretty sure that if you pick two characters at random, there is at least one fansite dedicated to hoping that they’ll make out and be each other’s true love forever and ever). And it feels awesome!

6. How to not believe clothing tags.

As long as I don’t put them in the dryer, most “dry clean only” items in my wardrobe are quite happy slumming it in the front-loading washer.  And the “hang to dry” gang doesn’t mind getting thrown in with the fabric softener sheet and my gym clothes once in a while.

7. How to stop on skates.

Yeah, so I was kinda like Luis Mendoza from D2: The Mighty Ducks, except for the whole being-otherwise-really-good-at-skating part. I can skate forwards easily; I can skate backwards uncomfortably – even running backwards on dry land gives me trouble, as my problem is that I like to see where I’m going. Anyway, the one thing I never learned is how to stop. Until now.

But don’t skate away from me in a panic if you see me headed toward you at the rink! I enrolled in a local hockey skills clinic, and despite being knees and toes below (as opposed to head and shoulders above) the other students, I came away with lots of valuable learnin’, including how to stop.

Well, sort of. Apparently, the trick is to turn your whole body to catch the edge of your skate, instead of just turning one foot like I was doing. I can stop pretty consistently on my right foot now; my left foot is another story, but we’re getting there. (By “we”, I mean “me and my left foot”.) Once I get a little more practice, toddlers tik-tacking their way across the ice during public skate should be safe from me in no time!

8. How to use the Nitro machines at the gym

So I’ve been vaguely interested in working out for a while now; for the past three or four years, I’ve made sure to either go to the gym or play a sport six days of the week. But while I knew how to give my heart a run for its money on the ellipticals, I was pretty clueless about strengthening any other muscles. I tried sit-ups and push-ups, but when you don’t know much, it’s hard to tell if you’re doing them correctly. Especially when the one thing I did know was that I hate push-ups.

Finally, I bit the bullet and bought an hour with one of the university gym’s personal trainers to learn how to use the weight equipment and to figure out a routine that would work for me.

The cons of using weight machines (the Nitro circuit) are that they’re often not as effective as regular stretches and exercises that use the same muscles and that everyone around me can see that I’m so weak I need to use the default 20lb. weight without anything else attached. The pros include – hey, it’s way more fun. And I feel a sense of accomplishment when I realize I need to add another 10 pounds to my routine. Plus I’m sure I’m now “getting” lots of muscles I wasn’t reaching before.

9. How to set my writing free.

And by that, I mean this: since I began my first year of university, my knee-jerk policy has been to work doggedly at polishing my novels and short stories, getting every little word right, and occasionally sending them out to a single agent or publisher. Over time, I learned to share my work with fellow writers, like the members of the critique groups to which I belong, workshop instructors at Humber and Highlights, and guest agents and editors at SCBWI conferences.  But I hardly ever talked about my writing with family and friends, even though it and its peripheral concerns are what’s on my mind almost all the time. I never mentioned my projects, or showed anyone my stories, or even ran my ideas past anyone in my target audiences. If people asked me to send them my novel, I’d try to double-triple-quadruple confirm that they really wanted to read it, and if they never reminded about it, I pretended to forget.

When my instructor at the Highlights Whole Novel Workshop this summer, Donna Jo Napoli, suggested that I find some test readers aged 12-14 for my young adult novel, I was scared. Still am, in fact – I don’t expect to hear back from them for another month or so. And if all I’d learned from the experience was how to share my work with the people it’s really meant for and get their feedback, that would still be a huge leap forward.

But I learned more. See, when I put up my call for readers a while back, my first couple responses were from adults – colleagues, friends from high school, and relatives – who didn’t know any young readers but were interested in reading the novel themselves. After the first couple of replies, I decided on a new policy: whenever anyone asks if they can read my novel, send it to them. Even if they mentioned it just off-hand and I’m not really sure if they mean it. Even if I don’t really know them. And especially if I’m scared to death that they’ll think it’s about me.

You don’t score goals by sitting around with the puck on your stick. You get them by whacking as hard as you can at the net every chance you get.

(Enough bad Canadian analogies for ya?)

10. How to spend more time with friends.

Just say “yes”. Don’t make excuses because I’m tired or shy. Even if there’s work I probably should be doing, even if I’m scared I won’t know anyone or I won’t like the activity or I really can’t afford it or it’ll keep me out too late or I don’t have time to plan it, just say “yes”. Yes, I’ll go. Yes, let’s hang out. Let’s talk. Yes.

… and persuading people to join my floor hockey teams doesn’t hurt either.

Of course, there’s still plenty to learn out there. And since it’s New Year’s-ish, here are some goals. By this time next year, I intend to know these ten things:

1. How to submit and give a presentation at an academic conference.
2. How to start and maintain friendly conversations with people I don’t know or don’t know well.
3. How to switch from skating forward in one direction to skating backward in that same direction without having to stop first.
4. How to play The Orange Box and Portal without dying, turning off the computer in fright at Ravenholm, and/or getting stuck in the corner every two seconds.
5. How to work with a literary agent and editor.
6. How to speak and read German and/or Yiddish.
7. How to fence (the way that involves swords, not pickets).
8. How to wear make-up and/or a dress without feeling like I’m wearing a clown costume.
9. How to shoot a revolver.
10. How to find a decent apartment in Toronto. Anyone? Bueller?

See you in 2010!

* Dexter is for when House is on hiatus. Yeah, I started watching season four because a reviewer said it had the same oomph as season one, which is the one I liked. Also, John Lithgow**. Even though I’ve already been spoiled for what happens at the end. Also, I’m just gonna go ahead and pretend that all the scenes of female characters existing solely so the men have someone to sleep with don’t happen***. Although I’m beginning to think that Debra Morgan may be my absolute favourite female character on TV ever.

** Well, as long as he’s not reading from his children’s book I’m a Manatee that came packaged with my Cheerios a couple years ago. Though I guess that would be a pretty creepy serial-killer tic.

*** That goes for you, too, House.