6 Important Pieces of Advice for Surviving a Canadian Winter

I grew up in Ottawa, studied in Kingston, and now I live in Toronto. So the first pointer for those looking to survive a Canadian winter is this: there isn’t a Canadian winter. I remember wearing a snowsuit under my costume on Hallowe’en; I remember not having to wear boots until January. Canada is pretty big, and winter in St. John’s is different from winter in Vancouver.

Still, there are some pretty standard general guidelines that are of use in all types of winter. I don’t mean the ones you learned from A Christmas Story like never lick a metal pole when it’s below freezing outside. (Or never eat yellow snow.) Nor do I mean the important responsible adult behaviour ones like don’t let your pipes freeze. All that stuff is pretty obvious.

No, what I write here, I share for the benefit of new Canadians, those who wish they were Canadians, and fellow Canucks who just need a reminder.

Also, if you are a Canadian student between the ages of fourteen and twenty-two, you might as well disregard everything here, because you probably already disregard it anyway. (Seriously, what’s with the T-shirts around campus?)

1. Own the following:

– decent boots. By “decent,” I do not necessarily mean: fashionable, pretty, expensive, or Uggs. Instead, make sure your boots have everything in this shortlist of qualities: (1) actual treads; (2) lining warm enough that you will still be able to feel your toes after a thirty-minute walk; and (3) enough waterproofing to step in snow up to your knee.

– mini packs of facial tissue. Put one in the pocket of every jacket and bag you own. Add another when you’re down to the last one or two in a pack. Keep an extra pack of packs in your apartment. You can thank me later.

– lip balm. Same as the tissues: one in the pocket of every jacket and bag you own. Unless you like your lips feeling like the Sahara.

– snow pants. Yes, you will look like a starfish stuffed into padding. Yes, you will make that swipe-swipe sound when you walk. But you will not be cold, and, if you play outdoor winter sports (see #4), you will not have to change trousers after you come back inside because the snow melted through your jeans.

2. Have windows where you work. In the winter, days are short, and, if you work 9-5, sunshine is rare. If you don’t want to feel like you live in the land of perpetual darkness, a few open curtains are in order. Bonus: when it snows, the light reflects off of every white surface, and it feels that much brighter.

3. Know the following:

– how to drive in snowy weather: if you have to drive in a blizzard or just before the plow has gone by, hit those pedals slowly and gradually. Hit the gas too strong or quick, and the wheels will spin. Hit the brake too hard, and you might fishtail. Just take it easy and no matter what, don’t drive faster than you feel you can control. If you do run into some braking issues, don’t panic when the pedal starts to throb under your foot with a “ka-chunk ka-chunk” sound. That’s just the antilock system that lets you steer while you’re trying to stop.

– how to budget for travel in snowy weather: multiply your expected travel time by at least 1.5, whether you’re walking, driving, or taking public transportation. Especially if it’s the TTC. Always bring clothes for the weather like mitts and a hat and boots. At least you won’t freeze if your car breaks down.

– how to stay warm when no shelter is nearby: as anyone who was a child in a snowy Canadian city can attest from schoolyard antics, snow is an excellent insulator. Make yourself some breathing holes, and bury yourself in the snow. You will get a little damp from the melting, and then a little more damp from sweating.

– how alcohol affects your body temperature: although alcoholic drinks can make you feel warmer, that’s just because they increase your circulation. Don’t drink them unless you’re ready to stay in a heated place (especially if you’re already worried about how cold you are).

– what the windchill is: wind makes it feel a lot colder than it is. Don’t be a sucker and insist on dressing for how cold the thermometer says it is. Dress for how cold it feels.

4. Get outdoors. If you think it’s easy to skip going to the gym when it’s a balmy 20C out, just you wait until the snow is taller than the weights bench. It’s so much easier in the winter to skip out on that party or meeting or class. But don’t do it! Not just because your host/acquaintance/instructor will be peeved, but because it’s pretty easy to get in an awful state of mind if the snow keeps you cooped up surfing the internet by yourself all day.

Besides, there are tons of fun things to do in the winter. You can…

– skate. You can, I swear, even if you don’t know how. But don’t listen if someone tells you women have to wear figure skates. Wear hockey skates your first time. They’re way easier.

– ski. Or at least sit in the lodge and drink overpriced hot chocolate.

– sled. In Ottawa, we do this at the Arboretum. That is exactly what it sounds like. Bonus: there’s a stream at the bottom of the hill.

– snowshoe. Haven’t been since I was in Guides, but it was kind of fun not to sink into the snow with every step.

5.  Learn to enjoy hockey. You can play it on ice, on Rollerblades, or on foot. You can watch it. Or you can smooth over awkward silences by talking about it.

If you’re unsure what to say about hockey, a good conversation-starter is, “How about the Leafs this year?” Depending on the other person’s response and your own personality, you can then continue with “Yeah, right. They haven’t won a Cup since ’67!” or “Well, they’re due. They haven’t won a Cup since ’67!”

6. Know the rules of snowball fights. There’s no point in snow unless you can throw it at people you love (and/or stuff it down their collars), but you have to play fair.

– no ice.

– no snow that is not white. Or at the very least, dove grey. Anything else is not snow, it is car exhaust in solid form, and you should be ashamed of yourself for touching it.

– no ice.

– NO. ICE. Come on, guys, it’s not that difficult. Guys? I — hey! Ow! That was ice, jerk! Yes, it was! Yes, it was! … I’m telling!