How to Care for Your Introvert[ed Self]

Lately, I’ve seen a lot of material about how to treat introverts wending its way through the Internet. There’s this and this… and also this, which, despite often identifying as introverted, I like best.

Why?

First, let me explain my introvert “cred.” If I had to choose between always being alone and never being alone, I’d choose “always.” Being with (most) other people, even those I love very much, takes energy, and I need to be alone to do some of my favourite things — write, work, read, daydream to music. Even when someone else is being very quiet and not doing anything at all, their presence in the room can still drain my spirit.

When I was a girl, I used to arrive to elementary school quite early, because my carpool was one of the teachers. I was always happy to see that none of my friends — much as I loved them — was on the playground, because that meant that I could wander off to the very edge of the schoolyard, near the fence by the highway, and walk around daydreaming by myself without hurting anyone’s feelings. Teachers and classmates would both occasionally stop me at recess and instruct me to play with other students. They meant well: they saw I was alone and were worried it was because the other children were excluding me. But it wasn’t that — I liked being alone for a little while. And I still do.

So you’d think I’d be all aboard this recent trend of introversion info-graphics and articles, but here’s the thing…  actually, no — here are the two things: I believe that introversion and extroversion are a false dichotomy, and even if they weren’t, I still don’t like the “make way for introverts, everyone else!” approach that many of the articles seem to cultivate. Placing the onus for your own social success onto other people isn’t a psychologically healthy way to live, and it doesn’t feel good to believe you have no agency in matters that affect your emotional wellbeing.

The “How to Behave With Introverts When You’re an Extrovert” articles are useful for drawing attention to problems and for developing a vocabulary to talk about those problems, but to accompany those articles, I’d like to add tips for adult introverts on how to achieve long-lasting social contentment.

1. Take responsibility for your own emotions and social relations.

The only behaviour I can change is my own. If I want to be friends with someone, then it’s up to me to make that happen. If I don’t like spending time with someone, then it’s up to me to re-allocate my time.

If someone does something I don’t like, it’s conducive to my own utility to do something about, no matter who’s “wrong.” If I decide the problem is my reaction to this person’s actions, then I can work on changing my own reaction. If the other person doesn’t know his or her actions hurt me, then I can figure out productive ways to articulate that. If I decide the problem is actually the environment or culture in which we both live, then I can take steps to change that.

But if all I do is note that other people’s behaviour is not what I want it to be and then sit back and expect them to change, I’m going to be disappointed.

When someone I love is asking me for energy I don’t have or pestering me with unneeded concern for my state of mind, I can’t fall into the trap of thinking it’s up to them to improve that relationship. I have to approach the problem from the standpoint that I am the one who needs to act to make things better.

2. Nobody is going to look after your needs for you.

Likewise, the only person who knows what I need is me. Even the most loving friend, partner, or relative can’t read my mind, and all the people I love have their own needs that shape their perception of mine. Sometimes, those needs of theirs make it tough to articulate my own need for space or silence or alone-time because I feel like doing so stomps all over the social time they need. But if I don’t set my own clear boundaries to get what I need — say, “No, I need some time to read by myself, please” or “Actually, I don’t like that kind of party” —  it’s not magically going to happen.

3. Learn to communicate your needs.

It’s hard for everyone, introvert and extrovert, to remember that other people approach situations with different assumptions. It’s even harder to put my own assumptions and feelings into words that someone else can understand. But practice makes perfect, and communication is essential to help the other person understand, which in turn is essential to everyone getting what he or she needs from the interaction.

Also, it’s OK not to get it right the first time. (If I could always do that, I’d have  a Nobel Peace Prize…)

4. Offer an alternative.

In improv theatre, when you refuse someone else’s suggestion, it’s good practice to offer a new idea instead to keep the scene from stopping. They say, “Oh no, it’s a make-out ray! Everyone will start making out!” but as a performer, you don’t feel comfortable with that, so you say, “Actually, I brought my anti-make-out ray spray.” That by itself forces the other person to come up with a second idea, which could stall the scene, so you add, “… but I didn’t bring the anti-tickle gas, and it looks like that’s the ray he’s arming next! What’ll we do?” Scene rescued!

Likewise, I still feel bad when I shoot down someone else’s social overtures because I feel like I’m filling my needs at the expense of theirs. So I do my best to offer an alternative that works for us both. For instance, I decline an invitation but suggest another time or activity that we could do later, or I ask people to stop asking me if I’m OK and suggest a signal we can use for me to let them know if I’m not.

If I can’t fill both their needs and mine, then I at least try to say so in a timely and clear fashion.

5.  Accept that sometimes you do want to be social.

I don’t know any self-identified introvert who doesn’t also sometimes want to be with people. If I’m home alone for days at a time, I still get lonely and want company. And sometimes I want a conversation, a companion, or even a hug. That doesn’t make my desire for “me” time any less valid.

Like I said above, a strict dichotomy between introversion and extroversion doesn’t adequately describe most people. And I can still have valid introverted needs even if at other times, I want the opposite.