10 Reasons the New Muppet Movie is Awesome

So here’s how this whole “being sick” thing is going.

Monday: I AM SO SICK :(
Tuesday: See the doctor, have another test done, get told to rest.
All through week: Don’t leave apartment. Try to rest, but too much work!
Friday: Test is inconclusive. Still, feel mostly better.
End of weekend: Tentatively leave apartment for something fun but low-key, like seeing a movie or having dinner
next Monday: REPEAT FROM START :(

The relevance of this to the new Muppet movie is that it will explain why my reaction — “I regret nothing!!!” — is really a sign of how fantastic this movie is instead of just, you know, my own weirdness.

1. They introduce a new character that YOU DON’T HATE.

When I first heard there was going to be a new Muppet character for this movie, I was like, awwww, man! I remember how resentful I was toward Clifford on Muppets Tonight for the dubious sin of not being one of the old-school lead Muppets, and Muppet Wiki informs me he’s legit — a straight-up Jim-Henson-approved character, that is. Heck, I even start to get annoyed with the “newer” old Muppets like Rizzo, who appeared later in the run of of the show.

But somehow, the movie team managed to put together  new Muppet, Walter, who never feels like he’s elbowing the old cast out of the way. They do this by cleverly making Walter the voice of the audience, like the childish Muppets who sometimes have the same purpose on Sesame Street.

2. They bring back the old-school Muppet Show.

No joke, I almost cried when Scooter popped in the dressing room to say, “Five minutes to curtain, Mr. [celebrity guest].”

The latest Muppet movies were awesome, but they lacked the screwball humour, random explosions, and knowing winks that characterized the television series. This movie brings it all back, along with all the details — the opening theme song with the big guys with bright orange hair, the shots of the audience, even the Muppaphone.

Producers, if you’re listening and you can keep up this kind of quality, I’m so ready for another Muppet TV series.

3. ALL of the old-school Muppet Show.

Not just the quirky secondary Muppets whom everyone remembers, like Animal and Beaker, but the whole gang. Uncle Deadly! Sweetums! Beauregard! The Muppet Newscaster! All of them with their canonical personalities. As Kermit would say: yaaaaaaaay!

4. They don’t let Jason Segel and Amy Adams take over the movie.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re both talented performers. And I really did care about their characters’ relationship, which was part of the plot, and their funny moments made me laugh. They added a lot to the movie as a whole. But they managed to do it without overshadowing the ping-pong-ball-eyed stars everyone’s really here to see.

5. Two words: Celebrity. Cameos.

No, wait, three words: Neil. Patrick. Harris.

6. Miss Piggy is no longer a psycho diva — and it works.

Don’t panic, she’s still a diva. That’s the way Miss Piggy rolls. And normally I’d be touchy about any sort of  modification to such a strong character. But as much as I love Miss Piggy’s schtick, I think it was the right decision to tweak it a notch — so delicate a tweak it’s hardly even noticeable unless you’ve recently been thinking of gender issues — and make her completely relatable even when she’s tackling Kermit to the ground or snarfing down three doughnuts. She’s still bizarro violent aieeeeee, but she’s no longer more hysterical or irrational than the other Muppets. She’s her own pig, and you can feel where she’s coming from even when you’re laughing at the off-the-wall way she deals with it.

7. The moral of the story is one you seldom see in a feel-good musical.

The movie still has a lot of content about having to put yourself out there for the good of the team and the good of the world, but, surprisingly, the ending takes this pretty commonplace moral one step further: it’s good to work hard for others, but at the end of the day, you have to remember that you can’t smother your own needs to be everything to everyone. While you’re working for the greater good, you can’t ignore the individuals around you who also need you.

Or, as Kirk put it to Spock: sometimes the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.

8. Chickens.

I’m pretty sure my sister was laughing so hard at this number, she almost had an asthma attack.

9. Jokes aimed at people who are older than teenagers without dismissing people who aren’t.

Who remembers the sounds a dial-up modem makes? Hint: relatively few kids!

But also: who knows who Selena Gomez and Rico Rodriguez are? Not people who haven’t been in touch with pop culture for fifteen years! The Muppets manages to cater to older and younger audiences without making the insulting assumption that just because someone is familiar with pop culture of one decade, he or she won’t appreciate or tolerate references from another.

10. Muppets everywhere!

It’s not enough that these guys produced an amazing movie — they won’t be satisfied until they’ve spread the goodness.

Singing with OK Go! Working the red carpet! In interviews here in Toronto with our own Jian Ghomeshi! Muppet movie, thank you! You came out at just the right time for a Muppet fan who is supposed to be resting in bed, has Youtube access, and is too tired to read.

(Not to mention the unofficial hilarity that has emerged independently of what the moviemaker team planned…)