We Meet Again!

You know why I’d make an awful evil villain? Because, when I get really angry, I start to cry and shake. What an awful climactic confrontation scene that would be: imagine, Harry Potter flings off his Invisibility Cloak – Indiana Jones swings down from above and lands between me and the Ark of the Covenant – Batman shouts, “Not so fast, Sarah!”

ME: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

THEM: …

ME: Waaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!! You losers ru-hu-huined my pla-ha-hannnnn!!!!

THEM: Come on, it’s not that bad.

ME: (flailing and bawling) You je-her-herks!

THEM: Look, I’m dancing around in the open, where you can get me. Now, why don’t you cheer up and do Something Really Bad, eh? Eh?

*Evil minions shrug and look vaguely apologetic. Friends of the hero mouth “Awk-ward….”*

Luckily, there are definitely some villains out there who are much scarier than I am. What’s that, you say? List some of them? Why, I thought you’d never ask!

1. Captain Vidal (Pan’s Labyrinth) – That is one scary mofo. And I mean that in the most forceful way. Pan’s Labyrinth is full of eerily evocative fantasy creatures, like the baby-eater and the giant toad, but it’s Captain Vidal, the guy from the mundane real world, who makes me want to close my eyes when he comes on the screen. Why? Because he’s so terrifyingly human. Evil in almost every respect, yes, but you can see why. And you have no doubt that, for his own reasons from in his own little world conjured in his own little head, he will do anything, to anyone.

2. the spoileriffic villain of Alan Moore’s Watchmen – Whom I won’t name because it would be a spoiler. This is the mastermind behind everything, the individual who’s controlling the lives of millions and causing dozens of deaths. And the worst part is, it’s for an utterly understandable cause. It really is the only way to accomplish an end that’s vital to the ultimate wellbeing of the human species. And this villain is articulate, smart, and reasonable. You almost find yourself in sympathy with the villain’s awful aims.

3. The Lady of the Green Kirtle (The Silver Chair) – As much as it galls me to see atheism represented as an evil, seductive witchcraft, that is one creepy scene when she almost convinces Eustace and Jill that there is no Narnia. Puddleglum has to put his own hand in the freakin’ fire. Except, dude, don’t watch the BBC version, because, when she turns into a snake, it’s clearly a rubber toy that some guy is waggling off-screen. Also, she’s the same actress who played the White Witch, except wearing different colours.

4. The Phantom of the Opera (The Phantom of the Opera) – Until the last chapter or so of the book, we know nothing about the Phantom except that he wears a mask and is able to pull off impossible feats. Because the reader doesn’t know how he pulled off his murderous stunts or what he looks like or anything about his background, he could very well be anyone and do anything. By the end, we have a much better idea of how he ticks, and we know enough to know we don’t know even a smidgen of what he’s done. A villain whose worst deeds are left to the imagination, in my opinion, is a much scarier villain than one whose worst deeds are shown.

5. Pennywise (Stephen King’s IT) – Again with the most-of-what-the-villain-does-is-left-to-your-imagination. (Until the end, when it seems that only sex between minors can stop IT. Apparently, even evil demon-spider-things share squicks with Livejournal.) Also, when the reader first meets this child-eating, soul-warping creature, it’s in the form of a clown. Stephen King, I may not be able to stand a lot of your writing, but you sure know how to make with the scary. Slavering fanged beasts pale in comparison to clowns or policemen or Other Mothers; the familiar and friendly distorted is more frightening than the alien.

6. Abigail Williams and Reverend Samuel Parris (Arthur Miller’s The Crucible) – Because they are so human. Their villainy comes not from outright malice or sadism but from the simple human desires to be loved; to live comfortably; to be right. And that, to me, is scarier than any villain who acts out of psychopathic tendencies or an evil nature, because it says, “Watch out, everyone. Evil isn’t something ‘out there’. It’s in here, too, and good intentions aren’t enough.”

7. Dr. William Gull (Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell’s From Hell) – The opposite of the “Phantom” motif – here, it’s not that we know too little about the villain, but too much. So much, in fact, that he’s beginning to seem utterly mundane. Not… strange… at all…

8. Anthony Fremont (the original Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life”/Jerome Bixby’s story of the same name) – Anthony is scary because he’s a perfectly normal six-year-old with omnipotent powers. You can’t reason with him, because he doesn’t understand. You can’t appeal to his mercy or sympathy, because, like any small child, he’s selfish and prone to tantrums and unable to think of the consequences for anyone but himself. Hey, if he couldn’t send people who annoy him “to the cornfield”, he’d probably be cute.

9. the antagonist(s) of Ray Bradbury’s “Mars is Heaven!” – How can I explain without being a spoily-spoilertastic spoilsport who spoils the story? I can’t. Go read it. You won’t be disappointed.

10. The Borg (Star Trek: The Next Generation) – Technophobic, much? Well, they were pretty darn scary until they got that stupid Queen. Who completely ruined the machines-taking-over metaphor. Stupid Borg Queen.

On the other hand, there are also some villains I think even I could out-scare:

1. Lord Voldemort – I’m sorry, but Voldie’s freakin’ INCOMPETENT. “Hey,guys, you know what would be a real good plan to get Harry Potter? We’ll make Barty Crouch look like Professor Moody so he can infiltrate Hogwarts. And he’ll enchant the Triwizard Cup to be a Portkey. And then he’ll secretly enter Harry Potter in the Triwizard Tournament and spend the entire year helping him win, so that, by the end of the year, Potter will be in a position to touch the Triwizard Cup and Apparate to me!” “Um, Dark Lord, sir, why doesn’t Crouch just trick Harry into coming onto the grounds with him, or follow him into Hogsmeade or something and side-along Apparate?” “Yeah, or maybe he could, you know, enchant a quill as the Portkey or – ” “Avada kedavra! Any other questions?” He is so utterly bumbling that it’s difficult to see why he has followers in the first place (especially since he persists in punishing them for the slightest mishap in carrying out his ridiculously ornate plans).

2. Professor James Moriarty – It’s not that he’s not scary, it’s just that he’s not really… there. He appears in only four stories, and only once in person. True, he sends an awesome Victorian “pwned, n00b!” telegram to Sherlock Holmes after Valley of Fear, but, other than that, his tongue-in-cheek namesake, Macavity, has more personality than him. It’s easy to see how revisionist Holmes writers can make Moriarty a figment of Sherlock’s imagination.

3. Captain Hook – Jas., I love you, but, as intimidating as the Hook is, maybe you should drop the long wig of dandified curls and the big flouncy dress-coat with lace cuffs. Just sayin’.

… OK, maybe I couldn’t be scarier than Hook.