10 Things I Learned in 2021

I mean, I learned a lot more than ten things in 2021, but here are a few of the ones that came to mind:

1. My queer identity is valid.

I’m allowed to be bisexual, grey-asexual, and gender non-conforming, and nobody but me gets to say whether I “really” count as those things. An understanding that seems trivial and obvious, but, as I’m sure most people can confirm about aspects of their own identities, can still be difficult to internalize. I get to be the person I am and have the feelings I feel even if I don’t experience them the way others have decided should be typical for my intersecting identities. I get to approach those identities in the way that’s right for me, and, just as I don’t get to tell others how they should display, for example, their sexual orientation in order to do it “right,” they don’t get to tell me how to inhabit mine. That includes with whom and how I share it.

2. I still love reading!

When I was a kid, my local library let you take out only fifteen books at once. I’d go about once every couple weeks to exchange one stack of fifteen for another. (To be fair, there were some books I loved so much that I’d take them out over and over again–Susan Cooper’s Dark Is Rising sequence, non-fiction books on how to practice karate or do magic tricks. But most of my stack was usually new to me.) However, as I grew older, I found myself reading for pleasure less and less. From fifteen books every couple weeks, I was down to only one or two. Sometimes fewer.

Secretly, I wondered if the change was me. I didn’t feel as excited about new books as I remembered feeling as a kid. Maybe, I figured, I just don’t like reading as much any more.

I’d forgotten that, as a kid, I didn’t have most of the responsibilities and activities that now take up most of my time.. When the semester ended in April, I started making time for reading–letting myself spend hours with my e-reader or hard-copy books–and I happily got back to a clip of 2-3 or so a week, not counting graphic novels or magazines. (I also reminded myself that most of the 15 books I was reading as a kid were, oh, about a third as long as most of the books I read now.)

(Something else that was different as a kid: I didn’t have the pressure of being tied into the world of publishing through social media and hot takes and feeling like maybe I’m reading wrong. See #9)

3. Netflix lets you watch stuff at 1.5x.

I love Star Trek, but it can be super slow. Like, I speed up an episode of TNG, and I forget that I’m watching at 1.5x instead of 1x. Sssh, purists, sssh. It’ll be OK. Just pretend I’m like Sherlock Holmes in Elementary and that this is a consequence of my Super Genius instead of my Super Impatience.

4. Tending a garden plot is good for me.

When I was being negative about whether I wanted to put my name on my waiting list for a garden plot, one of the things I dreaded was having to be consistent about taking care of a garden–you know, watering it every day, weeding, monitoring the plants for signs of pests. But it turns out that those elements are actually what make having a garden work really well for me.

I feel good when the first thing I do each morning or the next thing I do right after work is go outside to check on what I’ve planted. If I can’t, I’m not overwhelmed, because, hey, the plot was full of weeds and overgrown mint when we got it. If those could flourish without human intervention, I’m sure my plants will be OK for a day or three as well. And if they aren’t? Well, they’re just plants. It’s OK if some die, and sometimes that’s out of my control.

Gardening, it turns out, was the right balance of routine-enforcing and flexible for me this summer, and including sunshine in my day helped with so many other things.

5. I should not be trusted with a Kobo account.

I, uh… look, if it so happens that most of my disposable income gets spent on e-books to the point where I have over two hundred books in my to-read collection, that’s just… uh, well…

It’s not my fault that they have new and awesome books on sale like every day! And that I never get around to reading the ones I already have because of course I have to finish my library loans first. OBVIOUSLY I HAVE TO SAVE THE ONES I ACTUALLY OWN IN CASE I’M STRANDED SOMEWHERE WITHOUT INTERNET ACCESS AND NEED MORE TO READ.

*ahem*

An actual chart of my monthly Kobo e-book purchases. That’s right, just e-books from Kobo, not including hard-copy books or e-books I bought for a course. Yes, that is literally more than an e-book a day. I DON’T HAVE A PROBLEM YOU HAVE A PROBLEM

If that trend line’s correct, I’ll be buying 60 a month in first quarter 2022.

6. It’s okay to rest, even if other people need you.

Like I said last entry, Dr. Devon Price’s book Laziness Does Not Exist helped something click for me. I knew in theory that it was important to put on my own oxygen mask before attempting to help others, etc. (check for hazards before attempting first aid–whatever analogy you want to use), but in practice, it seemed unethical to prioritize my own needs over my moral obligations to others.

Dr. Price gently points out that 1) it’s also not ethical to assume that you and only you can (and therefore must) solve everyone’s problems; and 2) it isn’t unethical to support yourself when you need it, even if you’re in a position of relative power or privilege. Not only can you not actually support other people if you lack the energy to be competent, but your personal suffering doesn’t per se improve systemic problems.

7. I love long-sleeved Henley shirts.

When Husband wanted to get rid of the waffle-weave one (like in the link except cream, not grey) that he never wore, I absconded with it and tailored it for myself. I like how comfy it is, and I love the way the cut and structure make me look… more like the me in my head, I guess. I really like the casual masc-of-centre vibe that makes me feel strong like maybe I actually did do those pull-up challenges I set for myself. So I bought a few more and tailored them too, and now I pretty much live in them when I can get away with it.

8. I don’t need to wear clothes that don’t match my gender identity and presentation.

“Man,” I thought to myself, reading a novel in which the author describes a masculine-of-centre female character wearing comfortable- and masc*-sounding undergarments, “I wish I could wear that stuff.”

Me to me, a few seconds later: Wait… I totally can though.

Over this second pandemic year, I’ve got rid of a lot of the clothes, undergarments and otherwise, that I wore because I felt I needed to own stuff that leaned “femme”, just in case… what? I’ve been harassed in gendered spaces plenty of times, but nobody was ever like, “Hey, this is the women’s–oh, wait, first let me check your undergarments. Bikini-cut panties instead of boxer briefs? My mistake, carry on.”

Like, yes, I still have a few articles of femme-coded formal wear, like dress shoes and a dress, in case I legitimately do need them and/or feel like wearing them. But there’s a difference between wearing stuff because you’re like “Hey, for whatever reason, I want to present more femme for this occasion” and between wearing stuff because you’re like “Maybe if I add this one femme thing to my masc outfit, I’ll appease people who feel uncomfortable with my subversion of social gender norms.” Maybe, if I wear the things I want to wear, I’ll appease me.

9. How to take care of my mental health.

(in progress)

(I mean, isn’t it always?)

However, I still feel like I’m in a better place than I was at the end of last year, apart from external circumstances outside my control (COVID, work, etc.). I don’t always feel okay, but I’m okay-er often-er, and although I’m not always good about letting myself take up space, I’m getting better. I’m okay-er stepping away from social interactions once I’ve had enough people for a while. I’m okay-er using my earplugs when things are too loud or going somewhere else when they’re too bright. I’m okay-er reminding myself that my friends will still be my friends even if I can’t give them 100% right now, that not going on social media is fine even if it means I occasionally miss things I’d rather have seen, and that I might be putting too much focus on “not at liberty to neglect the work” and not enough on “not my duty to finish it.”

10. I want to write and submit more short stories.

This is tough. I recognize that one of the reasons I don’t have as long a list of publishing credits as many writers who “started” at the same time as me or even afterward is that I don’t write as much stuff, and I don’t submit what I do write as often. I like having a bunch of stories “out there,” and I know–I know–that, at a certain point, it’s part numbers game: publishing is competitive, and the more you send out, the bigger chance you have of your story catching someone’s eye.

That’s not to say that quality doesn’t matter; of course it does, and of course I’ll always be working toward being a better writer. But quality alone can only increase the odds so much.

I tend to fall into the trap of “but wait, I could make this other thing I already wrote a lot better”–the “we have food at home!” of writing for me. I can figure it out, I can solve it, I can win at this story which is both possible and a reasonable thing to want to do**…. ooor, I could, yes, keep sending it out but also spend more of my time writing the exciting ideas I have for new stories and then send them out too.

Other challenges include how tough it is to get used to rejection again, and, perhaps harder, how tough it is to accept the occasional success, but I still want to try, I think. I want to stretch myself in a genre that I may not love as much as I love longer pieces but that can do fun and cool and exciting things.

* To be clear, I’m using “femme” and “masc” here as short form to denote the way that some articles/styles of clothing are designated as “for women/girls” and “for men/boys” by the mainstream culture in which I live. I don’t think that gender or gender presentation is actually a binary of femme/masc, and I don’t think that any clothing or activity is inherently gendered. But I do think that those designations have a social reality, at least right now, based on the hegemonic norms for how people present their gender and treat each other in gendered ways.

** I mean, sometimes it’s because I genuinely do love the story and the characters and see something there that still speaks to me and that I’m still trying to capture even if only for myself, but that only really happens with my novel-length stuff. With short stories, it’s usually sheer… cussedness.