Reading Romances and Me

So, I like romances, but I also don’t like romances.

I looove romances that take place during other kinds of stories–hook me up with a mystery, or SFF, or, best of all, an SFF mystery (!!!), and I will go to the mat for my favourite ship. Said favourite ships are often, but not always, queer, and often, but not always, enemies/rivals/people-who-hate-each-other-but-are-still-forced-together to lovers. And yet, the very same dynamic and character types in a novel openly focussed on romance don’t appeal to me.

For that reason alone, I’ve made it a recent goal to read romance novels–I’d say “more romance novels,” but, honestly, before I wasn’t reading any. And I have a few other reasons to start too.

First, to expand my horizons as a reader and a writer. I know I’m not into writing romance-centred stories, but I read and enjoy non-SFF mysteries and thrillers and apply what I’ve learned from them to my own SFF mysteries. Why wouldn’t I be able to learn more about writing the romantic elements of my own stories from reading non-SFF/mystery romances?

Second, more specifically, during the Writing the Other workshop I took, reading romances by authors who identify with groups that I’m not part of was recommended to our class as one way to learn more about respectful strategies of describing people whose bodies are different from one’s own. Because romance is such a sensory-details-forward genre, romances can demonstrate how skilled writers depict heightened feelings like attraction and lust without relying on objectifying, belittling, or fetishizing tropes. Obviously, there are lots of racist, fatphobic, ableist, transphobic etc. romance novels out there too–same as in any other genre–but reviews point me toward talented and smart authors who write about characters demographically similar to them.

Third, and maybe kind as a side-effect of the other two, I want to be certain that my lack of interest in romance novels isn’t just another facet of ingrained misogyny. Since I can remember, romance novels and/or erotica have been presented to me as poorly written and inherently less profound, and romance writers have been characterized either as shills aiming to make a quick buck with quantity over quantity or sexually frustrated people thinly disguising their own fantasies for publication.* And, sure, as with any genre of fiction, there are indeed some terrible romance books/fanfics/stories, some writers who’ve misjudged the appeal of their work to an outside audience, and other writers who don’t care as long as they make money.

But as far as I can tell, the reason romance has such a reputation for these things is because it’s a genre assumed to be mostly written for women and girls by women and girls. It’s the same sexist dollop of “feelings are easy, unimportant, and uninteresting!” mixed with the equally sexist dismissal of work perceived as highlighting women’s interests and experiences as niche. (Not to mention various outdated ideas about how people who read/write about sex and romantic love must not have any in their own lives and are therefore losers.)

I have read what might qualify as romances in other media, such as graphic novels like Blue Is the Warmest Color. I’ve read romance-heavy SFF, like the first couple books of A Court of Thorns and Roses, and Ye Classic Literature TM that would otherwise be considered romance today, like Pride and Prejudice (not to mention reading/seeing/acting in plenty of Shakespeare’s tales of love-crossed shenanigans). And of course I’ve watched dozens of rom-coms on both stage and screen.

But until I made this effort, none of the books I’d read were genre-marked as romance, and I have to wonder if that’s really because it just so happens that books marketed as romance are alike in a way that doesn’t appeal to me, or if I just haven’t put the effort into finding books I like in a category I’ve internalized as “lesser.”

That said, I didn’t exactly love any of the books, movies, and graphic novels I mentioned above. For me, they weren’t bad, but they weren’t great either. I read or watched them for reasons other than their plots and characters (It’s movie night with friends who like rom-coms! Graphic novels are quick reads for me, so why not check out this well-reviewed one? It feels like I should know this Literary Work TM! I have to read this one for school!)

In addition, upon reflection, I’ve realized that I assume stories categorized as romance bring the main characters together–and that’s part of what I don’t like. I do enjoy happy (or bittersweet) endings, but I don’t want to feel sure that my ship is going to sail. Part of what appeals to me about my non-romance-story ships is that the series/book could very well end with the characters I care about unpartnered or with other people, and, based on what I understand the genre conventions to be, it would still feel “fair.” Maybe once I’ve read more romances, I’ll learn differently, but for now, I assume that a story labelled as romance will let its leads explore, you know, a romantic relationship with each other.

Finally, I need to balance out considering the sexist messages I’ve internalized with reminding myself that it’s also OK if I don’t happen to like most romances. They definitely don’t appeal to my grey-ace self when they emphasize physical sexual attraction; they don’t appeal to my queer, GNC self when they push heteronormativity or traditional gender roles; and they don’t appeal to my… introverted? possibly neurodivergent? self when they don’t show characters learning how to love each other and themselves.**

So far, I’ve read just two of the romances on my list (Let’s Talk About Love (2018) by Claire Kann, One Last Stop (2021) by Casey McQuiston), and although they weren’t my cup of tea, it was a positive experience to read something so different from what I’d usually pick up. I can’t say I’m excited, exactly, to read the other romance authors whose work I’ve bought (Talia Hibbert, Alyssa Cole, Olivia Waite***), but I am curious and intrigued.

* Unpacking the idea that True Writers must be deeply passionate about their work, but no, not like that is a whole different blog entry.

** I mean, I don’t want to make it seem like every single one of my tastes depends on some thoughtful facet of my lived experience. You can make literally any genre and plot appeal to me if you’re just like “Oh, by the way, there’s also a murder and we need to figure out WHO DID IT!!!”

*** Also, when I googled them to find out more about their work, they all seem like super-cool people. You’ve heard of parasocial relationships; get ready for parasocial shyness!