Who Watches the Watchers of Watchmen Watching… McWatchy

(In my defense, there’s no un-sucky title for a review of Watchmen. 10 points for a bad pun, 20 for a reference to quis custodiet ipsos custodies, 50 if you get both.)

So. If you have even browsed this blog in the past, or talked to me once or twice in real life, you are no doubt aware that Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons’ Watchmen is one of my favourite books. The plot is difficult to describe without sounding like it’s ripping off either The Dark Knight or The Incredibles, but I’m going to try anyways.

In an alternate 1980s where Richard Nixon is still president, and the Cold War is at its most tense, costumed superheroes have been banned unless they’re working for the US government. The murder of one “ex-mask” prompts investigation by his ex-teammates, and what they uncover is a conspiracy of epic proportions that forces them to question their role in society and how far each of them is willing to go for justice and the greater good.

That is a lousy summary. There’s so much to Watchmen that even if I wrote out all the thematic questions it poses, I could take up a whole page and still miss some. So, basically, watch this video, and imagine the exact opposite. That’s Watchmen.

Watchmen was supposed to be unfilmable, and if you’ve read the novel, it’s easy to see why. There are so many intertwining threads, so many viewpoints coming in from every which way, so much ambiguity and nuance, that squeezing it into 165 minutes seems impossible.

The writer, Alan Moore, understandably disappointed with other “adaptations” of his work like The League of Extraordinary Gentleman and V for Vendetta, has completely disowned film adaptations of the piece as a matter of principle, which has sort of turned into unintentional hilarity: you hardly ever hear about the writer of most books-turned-into-films, but every interviewer makes a point of asking director Zack Snyder about Moore’s actions, and every faux pas by Snyder volleys the ball back to Moore.

But I guess you want to hear about the actual movie now instead of enduring my stalling tactics.

My suitemates and I saw it this afternoon in glorious IMAX. I was kind of apprehensive, since it seemed to be hit-or-miss with the critics (or, more specifically, hit-or-enh), depending on that particular critic’s expectations going into the film*. Considering my apprehension, I can’t technically say I was disappointed, but, all in all, I found the film to be, well, enh.

Oh, sure, it kept most of the events from the novel (despite a major change to the ending that doesn’t feel particularly different but perhaps tweaks the themes more than is excusable). Most of the shots have a direct analogue in one panel or another. Most of the dialogue was lifted directly from the pages of the book.

The trouble is my pet theory: meaning comes not just from syntax (particular combinations of words, images, etc.) but from context as well. The same fate awaits Rorshach at the end of the movie as at the end of the novel, but it means something different in the latter, just because different characters are or aren’t there to witness it. And while it’s true that the movie does not establish any relationships between characters or past events that are different from the ones in the novel, having a character come out and say, “X is Y’s parent” is not the same as having to clue in on it yourself.

Likewise, showing The Villain with hooded eyes and vaguely effeminate features and a sneering manner before the final revelation that Villain is indeed the Villain is so different from drawing Villain like any ordinary comic book character. Showing explicit violence and sex onscreen is so different from having a panel or page that shows moments from what happened.

To be fair, some of the things that are troubling about the movie are also troubling in the novel, true: most notably, whatever internal logic Dr. Manhattan and his powers follow seems to be somewhere out of this world. (Although the movie really wants the viewers to take seriously the idea that Dr. Manhattan is analogous to G-d – trying to cram in the Problem of Evil probably just made things worse, guys.) But I’m still frustrated by the sheer amount of, “Okay, audience, we don’t trust you to have the correct emotional reaction or intellectual connection, so we’re going to spell everything out for you. He Is a Bad Man. This Is What Happened in the Plot. Dan Dreiberg is Sad, So You Should Be, Too.”

Part of what I loved about the novel is you really don’t know whether any of the characters is right or even if any of them is “most right” by the end. One’s a sociopath who nevertheless seems to be the only one still standing for justice. Another is a Machiavellian manipulator who’s caused the deaths of millions but might just have done the right thing. Another is an ineffectual sad-sack who may be the most pathetic or the most human or both.

Not so in the movie. We have our nice characters and the ones we don’t like neatly lined up in little rows. It’s good to be like that character; it’s bad to be like that one. Sure, we’ll pay lip service to the idea that Villain may have accomplished something good, but we won’t actually make that character sympathetic**.

To be honest, I feel like most of the fun of the movie was from being able to compare it to the graphic novel on which it was based – seeing what they left and cut out and changed. If I hadn’t had that pleasure, I’m not sure I’d have been able to sit through all almost-three hours of it. (Well, I’m sure the popcorn and slushie and giant pretzel had something to do with it, too. Do not leave me alone with money in the concessions area of a major cinema.)

In conclusion, there’s no good way around it: if you’ve read the novel, you’ll probably feel disappointed and/or patronized by Watchmen. If you haven’t, you’ll likely miss all the enjoyment there is to be had. It’s not a terrible movie, but it’s not a great one either. Best wait until it comes out on DVD and make up your own mind with considerably less financial outlay.

* I read one review that really annoyed me because the reviewer was basically upset that Watchmen dealt with the same themes as The Dark Knight. Uh, sorry to tell you, but Watchmen wins the priority Olympics.

** But don’t worry, you can tell we’re deep because we have full frontal male nudity.