8 Annoying Things I Don’t Get

I told you I was embracing “crotchety.”

1. Clothing fits with arbitrary people names.

Why is your line of skinny pants now re-branded “Dustin”? Do people named “Dustin” tend to wear skinny pants? Do you want me to think that if I buy your pants in this fit, I, too, could be worthy of “Dustin”-ation?

Is it that you think I’ll remember Dustin, Cameron, and Terence better than skinny, regular, and athletic? Because I feel like if I’m looking for skinny pants, “skinny” is pretty easy to remember.

Am I supposed to really want to buy skinny pants but be too embarrassed to do so unless they’re called something nobody will associate with skinny pants? Am I supposed to be unaware that people will see me wearing the pants and thus be able to assess their fit regardless of what name your catalog gives it?

2. Platforming sections in non-platforming Zeldas

I am not playing a top-down action game like Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Seasons in order to fight with the controls so Link can emulate his lifelong hero Mario. Mandatory platforming without good platforming controls isn’t fun.

Plus, since most of this game is top-down, I don’t even have a chance to practice with these crappy controls. I have no sense of how far and how fast sidescrolling-Link can throw a bomb because I’ve never had to make him do that right up until the moment when it’s crucial. Sometimes, like with the Roc’s Cape, the sidescrolling-version and the top-down version actually work differently.

Yes, I’m calling especial bullshit on sidescrolling boss fights aren’t culminations of using the item I found in this dungeon but brand! new! sets of controls to be able to use said items in old ways in new perspectives.

3. Commercials that show people watching football while holding a football

As a casual sports-watcher, I have occasionally grabbed team swag in order to Watch a Sport. Like, I’ll wear my jersey or T-shirt or hat to watch a game I’m really excited about.

I also admit, the only teams I really follow are hockey teams; I’ll cheer for the Blue Jays or Raptors, but I don’t actually know the details of their roster/history/etc., and I won’t seek out random MLB/NBA games. I like watching football (both rest-of-world and American meanings), but I don’t do it consistently. Maybe I just don’t know the conventions.

But, like, soccer fans in commercials don’t hold a soccer ball. Baseball fans don’t carry bats and gloves. Hockey fans wear their team’s jersey and maybe sport playoff beards.

So why do the ads I see show spectators in football gear holding an actual football? Is that a thing? Are they worried they’ll forget what sport this is without it? Is halftime so boring they need to fit in a game? Do they get so stoked by Patrick Mahomes that they abandon the couch to go emulate him?

4. My impulse to count things that don’t require counting

Like, yes, I need to know the number of eggs I’m putting in this omelet or how many reps I’m doing at the gym. But why am I absently counting the number of items I’m putting in the washing machine until I realize 1) that I am and 2) that there’s zero reason to do so?

Maybe I’ve been bitten by this guy.

5. People who steal coworkers’ lunches at work

Maybe I’m just baffled because I’ve (luckily???) never encountered this?

Don’t get me wrong, I excluded lots of mean/rude things from this list even though I personally can’t emotionally understand the mindset behind them because DUH, I still intellectually get it. Like, I understand why people litter or rush onto the subway car before other passengers can get off or leave their equipment all over the gym, even though it boggles my mind that some folks are OK being inconsiderate like that.* But stealing someone else’s lunch? At least, if, as the article linked above suggests many of the offenders do, you already have the means to get your own? I really, really don’t see the point.

I don’t want random food someone else made to who knows what standards of taste (let alone food safety). It’s not even fresh — it’s been in the fridge all day! Even if they got it from a restaurant, why??? When I eat out, some of the main pleasures are getting to pick exactly what I want to eat and having it served hot and ready — why would I spoil that by eating someone else’s take-out? When I don’t even know what they ordered or if I like it?

Is it a power game? Wouldn’t a better power game be to make the other person pick up your lunch the way you like it, just like powerful a-holes have been forcing others to do in Hollywood movies since forever?

6. People who play audible music on public transportation (or at the gym)

Not the ones who are obviously trying to busk/start a party/etc. Folks who purposely share their music with others at least seem to understand that all of us can hear it, and while I don’t usually want to join in, I can at least understand why they’re playing it loudly.

I mean the ones whose body language and behaviour suggests they are taking part in the private fiction that what they hear is for their ears only. Like, the headphone-less folks who stare intently at their video-player screen as their phone fills the subway car with beats, as though the audio is as private as the visual. Or the ones who wear the awful earbuds (cough iPhone and iPod defaults) that leak so much that bystanders can hear every lyric.

OK, I guess there’s actually another thing I don’t get…

7. Why Apple earbuds/airpods play music for everyone who happens to be standing near the listener.

Like, they aren’t cheap, and have ONE JOB, Apple. My $10 earbuds are more durable and privacy-preserving.

8. Kids today.

Get off my lawn!

* Taking into consideration, of course, that not everyone has the knowledge of these social norms, the background to understand them, or the neural/physical ability to follow them. But there are definitely folks who have the capability and experience to do all of the above and simply choose not to!