How To Read the Last Book in an Awesome Series
I am an expert in reading last books in awesome series. You can tell this because at the time of writing this blog entry, I have no fewer than three on my shelf, bookmarks firmly ensconced. (For the curious, Dexter is Dead, Monsters of Men, and, of course, Ancillary Mercy.)
However, I know mine is a rare skill. So, for your further edification, here is how we reading masters handle our Deathly Hallows and Mockingjay moments: the final instalments.
1. Despair.
There seems to be a problem with the book you just read, the second-to-last in this series. When you turned the page, instead of a new chapter, there was just a page titled “Acknowledgements.” And when you went even further, you reached this weird — what do you call it? — back cover.
This can’t be happening. You don’t get to find out how Gansey dies/whether Jaron can save the country and the girl he likes/if Elisa can rescue Hector and fulfill the destiny of her Godstone? And you have to wait to spend any more time with Breq/Annie, Kat, and Reynardine/adolescent Aang and Zuko?
This is it. Your reading life is over.
2. Google.
Okay, the next book is out… um, let’s see. There’s no title on the author’s website. Amazon doesn’t have it yet. Goodreads… has a book listed as the next one, but there’s no title (though despite this, someone has already given it five stars).
3. Further despair.
Noooooo! If you have to wait to find out what happens, you’ll die.
4. Wait.
Well, maybe you won’t die.
5. Forget you are reading this series.
After all, ten more holds just came in from the library, and Netflix just added How to Get Away With Murder, and you need a costume for Hallowe’en — oh, and you’d better catch up with your day job stuff…
6. Find out the last book is out.
OMG, somebody mentioned it on Twitter, and Amazon recommends it to you because you bought the last books from them! You can finally finish this series! Woo hoo! Should you pre-order now?
7. Secure Future You’s copy of the book.
Hmmm, it’s really tempting to get it shipped from Amazon on release day, but if you order it from Indigo, then you can support your local library… But do you really want another hardcover taking up space on your bookshelf? Maybe you should wait for the paperback release and put it on hold at the library instead. Oh, the library hasn’t put it on order yet? Well, they will. They have to. You’ll just keep checking back…
And keep checking back…
And checking back…
All right, it’s finally — wait, how are there already 300 people with holds ahead of you?
8. Wait some more.
*twiddles thumbs*
9. Admire book when it arrives.
Holycowit’sfinallyhereOMGI’msoexcited!!!one! It smells like new book… wait, did the person who had this library copy before me smoke? Like, in a closed, windowless room? Has this book been hotboxed?
10. Place the book in the most prominent position on your to-read shelf and admire it every time you look over.
*inner squeal of joy!*
…
*outer squeal of joy!*
11. Do not read the book.
You finally have free time, but you’re exhausted. The emotional investment you have with these characters simply demands more energy. Maybe you should play a video game instead.
12. Still do not read the book.
Okay, you’re more awake now, but this book is really going to be just so awesome. And it’s the last one of this series you’ll ever get to read. You should save it for the perfect moment. Those definitely happen, right?
13. Accidentally read a minor spoiler on the Internet.
What? What? Noooooo! Damn you, publishing Twitter/Goodreads reviewer/i09!
14. Never go on the Internet again.
You can probably do that, right?
15. Read the first page of the book.
That can’t hurt. It’s like a taste… you know, like an appetizer. To whet your appetite. That’s how potato skins and spinach dips work, right? They totally make you more hungry.
16. Accidentally read halfway through.
Nooooo! Well, OMGYESSSSSSS!, but now there’s only half a book left in this series, and also you didn’t do the work you planned to do today. And today wasn’t perfect. It was sunny, and you were stressed about maybe going to the gym, and you have a to-do list niggling at the back of your mind. What if you wasted your only chance to read this book perfectly on the perfect day by not being able to stop yourself right now????
17. Notice there’s only a few chapters left.
BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO SAY GOODBYE TO THESE CHARACTERS FOREVER!!!
18. Find out who killed the person/which characters survive/how the good guys defeat the bad guys/which suitor the lead does(n’t) pick.
*sniff*
19. Be sad about the things you wanted to happen that didn’t.
And now they never will.
Except in YOUR HEART!
20. Be happier about the things you did want to happen that did.
The feelings!
21. Finish the story.
Another malfunctioning book? This one seems to have suddenly turned into “Acknowledgements” too. And maybe a sample chapter of someone else’s novel. And a list of other books by this author. And… no, no nonononono, it’s not time for the back cover yet! It can’t be! There’s still so much more time you want to spend with these not actually real people!
WHY IS IT ALL OVER SO SOON???
*sigh*
…
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