9 Things To Know About Encountering Someone of Ambiguous Gender

Since I was a little girl, strangers have had trouble identifying my gender.

I’m OK with that, mostly. I understand that it’s a result of the androgynous style I generally favour, of my body type and way of presenting it. Occasionally getting called “sir” by salespeople and even getting weird looks in the ladies’ room is a small price to pay for looking and sounding and feeling like myself instead of someone in a costume.

But even though I’m comfortable with how I look and present, sometimes other people aren’t. That can make some situations unpleasant for both of us.

I don’t pretend to be able to speak for everyone who gets misgendered, regardless of the gender(s) they do (or don’t) identify with. I can speak only for myself, and if you got here in the first place, you’re surely able to Google others’ thoughts on the matter. So if you’re looking for universal do’s and don’t’s, read up on lots of different people’s suggestions for being polite when faced with an individual of ambiguous gender. (Here’s a great comic to start with.)

Here are mine.

DO apologize and move on if you make a mistake.

Look, I get it. Our culture has rules for presenting as male or female, and I’m breaking some of them. If you call me “sir,” it’s an honest mistake. It’s like you got my name wrong. If I correct you (and sometimes I won’t, because it’s too much hassle), you can just say sorry the same way you would in that situation and move on.

What makes it awkward and unpleasant for both of us is if you immediately deny that you made a mistake (“I didn’t say ‘sir,’ I said, uh, ‘sorry’!”), especially if it’s in a hostile tone. If you make a huge deal about it, it becomes a huge deal.

DON’T call anyone “it.”

Unless you’re talking about the Addams family’s hairy cousin, don’t refer to any human being as an “it.” In some languages, using that pronoun for a person is OK and neutral, but not in contemporary North American English. “It”‘s pretty easy to replace too: “Is it that person a man or a woman?”

DO explain gender to your kids if they ask.

Children can be frank. They sometimes say insulting things, especially when they’re growing up in an environment that reinforces traditional gender presentation and stereotypes.

Yes, it might hurt my feelings if your child asks loudly, “Why is that man wearing a dress?” But I’ll get over it — I’m an adult, and I know that it’s not your child’s fault they learned the dominant messages about gender we hear in society.

What I care about is the way you, the adult, behave. I get that parenting is a roller-coaster ride, and this may not be the right time for a teachable moment. But the reason your child is asking is because they really want to know, even if the question itself makes some offensive assumptions. So, please, when the time is right, answer that question appropriately.

DON’T make assumptions about sexual orientation based on gender presentation.

Yes, it is more socially acceptable for men who are attracted to men to act in traditionally feminine ways and for women who are attracted to women to act in traditionally masculine ways. The LGBTQ community is also more open to non-traditional gender presentation.

However, gender identity and sexual orientation are not the same thing. No matter how hard you try, you can’t tell someone else’s sexual orientation by the way they look (unless the way they look is “currently making out with you”). I know “feminine” men who are attracted to women, and I know “masculine” women who are attracted to men. I know “masculine” men who are attracted to men and “feminine” women who are attracted to women. People are beautifully diverse and resist generalization.

DO consider what safety in gender-restricted spaces means to you.

No matter where I am, no matter who I’m with, I dread using public washrooms. The amount of explicit hostility or implicit resentment I often encounter in women’s washrooms makes me think very carefully every time I might want to use one. I stand up straight, so I’m not hiding my bust or figure. I remove bulky outer layers. I actively concentrate on projecting confidence at every point so everyone will know I’m not there by mistake.

I understand why the sight of a masculine-looking person in the women’s washroom or change room is upsetting for many women. I’m a woman, too — I understand that the intrusion of a man into women’s-only spaces can be threatening.

There’s no easy answer to making gendered spaces feel safer for non-gender-conforming people. Restricting the gender of these spaces is part of what makes them safe and comfortable for many. Set your own boundaries, based on your own experience, and make them known in the way you need to, but when you’re deciding what way that is, do remember: because of the way I look when I am being me, I never feel safe or comfortable in any public washroom.

DON’T make assumptions about sexual orientation based on reaction to other people’s gender presentation.

Being attracted to a woman who presents as more traditionally masculine doesn’t mean a straight man is “secretly gay.” Just as I see the way I dress as being womanly (since, you know, this is my way of being me, and I am a woman), some straight men are attracted to the kind of woman I am. Assuming that anyone attracted to a non-gender-conforming person has to be mistaken about their own sexuality is insulting and ignorant.

DO respect that I know my own gender.

“That boy thinks he’s a girl!”

Uh, no, I know I’m a girl. I am the one with expertise in this situation. Enough said.

DON’T use gender presentation as an insult.

I know avoiding this is hard; I’ve done it myself without thinking. (But now I don’t do it. Because I do think.) It’s so strongly woven into our culture. But laughing at Justin Bieber because he “looks like a girl” or at Emma Watson’s pixie cut because “it makes her look like a ten-year-old boy” is not cool.

The underlying humour of that joke is that people who don’t conform to the traditional rules of gender can’t possibly be attractive. It suggests that the individual’s only worth is in presenting their gender the way you want to see it for the express purpose of being attractive to you and others like you.

Nobody has to date me or like the way I look if they don’t want to. But nobody gets to tell me that my purpose in life is to be the kind of person they would want to date. My job is to be the kind of person I want to be, for me.

Finally, DO remember: everyone is gender non-conforming in some way.

The “girliest” women I know think of certain aspects of their personalities as manly. Some of the macho-est men I know have habits and interests that are traditionally feminine. None of us meets society’s expectations for performing gender 100%. We can’t — those expectations are byzantine and self-contradictory.

Nobody wants to be laughed at or treated with ignorance for being who they are. At the end of the day, all these “DO”s and “DON’T”s boil down to the golden rule: treat other people’s non-gender-conformance the way you’d want them to treat your own “girly” or “manly” or genderqueer self.

Update: (Jan. 2016) Edited to use more inclusive pronouns