How To Not Read a Book

Reluctant readers, this post is not for you. You are the naturals, already well versed in this most precious of skills that we voracious bookworms lack. Not for you the precarious stacks listing on your bedside table, the shelves overflowing (but already two layers deep!) with acquisitions never read, the library items forever in the twilight limbo of renewal, the Bookmarks That Time Forgot.

But for the others, like me, I admit it: I have a problem not reading books. Once I see one that remotely piques my interest — or have it sitting on my shelf — or have the slightest reason to feel I ought to read it — it’s in my mental to-do list, and I can’t get rid of it without first slogging through.

And why should I want to? Well… lots of reasons.

Mainly, spending a couple hours forcing myself to read a book that I don’t like and that won’t teach me anything I want to know is not the optimal use of my time. I could be at the gym. I could be writing. I could be marking. What about social events? What about other media like movies and video games? WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER, ACTUALLY EXCITING BOOKS???

When that mountain of unfinished hardcovers looms over your bedroom Tokyo like a literary Godzilla made of dust and paper, it’s time to employ some strategy.

Novice: The Bookmark Approach

The easiest way to not read a book is to read a bit of it, then put a bookmark where you stopped and never touch it again (unless it has to go back to the library). Make sure to keep telling yourself you’re going to finish it when you have time to pay proper attention.

Beginner: The Skimming Gambit

This strategy has a bit of a learning curve, but if you’ve taken any form of humanities education, you should be able to jump right in. If you find the novice ploy leaves you with too few bookmarks available for books you actually do want to read, simply re-define “read” as “flip through every page while scanning the words on each.”

Make sure to prove you’re “reading” by occasionally scolding yourself for not understanding what the last paragraph meant and actually reading it. Although this will take you significantly more time than the Novice approach, it is well worth it for books with which a figure of authority expects you to be familiar, particularly if you have a good visual memory.

A word of caution though: whatever you do, avoid taking notes, stopping to think, or paying attention to every word. Otherwise, you may find yourself reading instead of not reading.

Intermediate: The TBR Queue

The TBR (To Be Read) Queue is only to be used by those frank enough to admit they have a problem resisting books even when the effort required to read them far outweighs the marginal benefit of having done so.

Your TBR list should be long enough that by the time you obtain any book on it, unless it’s one you really, really want to read, you’ve already forgotten what that book is about and why you included it in the first place. Suggested length: between 30 and 50. Library holds lists and online wish lists are excellent venues to employ this tactic.

You must also have the willpower not to obtain any book on your list until you have decided to read it right away. Otherwise, you will end up with Amazon deliveries galore, ten emails from the public library, and no empty flat surfaces in your entire house.

Here’s how it works: you will go find the books you really, really want to read. You will cross them off your list and replace them with new books. Every so often, your list will get too long (or you will decide to spend a few moments literary window-shopping), and you will have to self-audit. At this point, you will notice the same ten or so books that have been on your list forever. The shine of novelty will have worn off. You will not feel guilty deleting them and replacing them with new books that have caught your eye.

In theory, anyway.

Expert: The Honesty Ploy

This is the most difficult strategy for a book-lover to employ, but I feel that I have almost mastered it. Ask yourself: am I ever going to read this book with pleasure?

If the answer is no, remove it from your life.

Yes, even if you’ve already started it.

Yes, even if you can imagine an extremely unlikely situation in which having read it would be useful.

Yes, even if everyone says this book is so amazing and really wants you to read it and it’s won every prize ever.

(I told you this one was for experts.)

Some sub-strategies I have found useful:

– Imagine how you could use the space where that book is. Go on, pick it up. Hide it under your bed (unless it’s already under your bed). Doesn’t your shelf look so much tidier? Wouldn’t it be nice to finally have your Kleenex box and glass of water by your bedside? Isn’t breathing room grand?

– Imagine what you could be doing instead of reading it. Not just vaguely, viscerally. Imagine taking a walk around your favourite park. Imagine going swimming. Imagine talking with your friend on the phone, or finally beating that platformer boss, or sitting in the back row of your local cinema eating popcorn. Imagine reading another, better book. Can you honestly say you want to read this one more than any of those other things?

– When all else fails, imagine someone else who really, really wants to read that book. You know. Some kid searching the aisles at the local Value Village. A guy walking by your garage sale. A grandma skimming eBay for that one story she really loved as a girl. Someone who loves the paperback in your hand, the one that makes you feel all sand-inside-your-stomach when you think about having to read it, as much as you love your very favourite book. Someone who could be reading it right this instant, if it weren’t for you, you jerk, hanging onto words you don’t even want to use like Aesop’s dog in the manger. So pry your fingers off that dog-eared cover and get rid of it already!

Happy not reading!