How To Survive an Old-Fashioned Murder Mystery In 10 Easy Steps

I make no guarantees for these newfangled “thrillers” with all their twists and turns and serial killings. But should you ever find yourself in the small British town of Something-Or-Other-By-The-Sea or at an old country estate, and the squire collapses over his tea or the maid stumbles across a body with the missing fish knife stuck between its shoulder blades, here’s how to better your chances.

1) Know everyone’s name.

This will prevent you from ever having to greet someone with a relieved, “Oh, it’s just you.” It’s much more difficult for the killer to retain his or her anonymity if you remember always to be specific in your methods of address: “Oh, it’s just you, Cousin William. What are you doing looming over me with that heavy brass paperweight?”

2) Never blackmail anybody.

That you ought not to blackmail the killer should be obvious: his or her only method of dealing with people who are in the way is to kill them. So if you witnessed the crime, don’t make the foolhardy error of trying to milk the culprit for money by threatening to reveal him or her to the police. That will make you someone who is in the way.

However, don’t think that just because the object of your attentions is a mere sneak thief, adulterer, or embezzler that you’ll get away with it. Regardless of whom they’re pressuring, blackmailers seldom end a murder mystery without getting what are felt to be their just desserts. Don’t blame me if, by the end of the story, the detective is shaking her head over your lifeless body and secretly thinking that you rather deserved it.

3) If you have something to say to the detective, say it right away.

It doesn’t matter if you’re not sure whether the telephone line is safe. It doesn’t matter that you’d rather reveal it in private. And it definitely doesn’t matter that you’re not sure whether it’s really important enough to bother the detective with. Your choices are: say it now and live, or save it for later and get murdered before the detective can learn whatever vital piece of information you were hoarding.

(Bonus hint: it will be vital. It always is.)

4) Always investigate things with at least two other people.

Is there something you don’t want to share with the detective, but you still think it’s important enough to warrant an investigation? Now, I know you’re not about sneak off all alone to find the truth. It’s dangerous out there. But before you confide in one carefully chosen ally and sneak off together — STOP. The person to whom you have entrusted your secret has a 99.99% probability of being the murderer. Now you’ve shared your precious information with the one person who needs to suppress it and you’ve provided the perfect opportunity for her to suppress you.

Remember: the only person allowed to trust just one friend is the detective.

5) Do what the detective says.

When the detective says to stay in pairs, stay in pairs. If the detective tells you not to open your door to anyone but him, do not open your door to anyone but him. You see? It’s not rocket science.

6) If you keep a diary, write only about the detective, how she is solving the mystery, and how fascinated you are by the process.

If you keep a diary about yourself and your own mundane life, you can be sure its only purpose is to be found with pages torn out after the murderer has pushed you out the window to keep you from revealing the key clue you accidentally wrote down. On the other hand, if you keep a diary about the detective, you may very well turn out to be the narrator.

7) Be in true love.

This is a particularly potent strategy if the object of your affections both reciprocates your feelings and is made unavailable by unfortunate circumstances e.g. previous marriage to a brute or shrew. Rest assured, if you begin the story with thwarted romantic aspirations, by the end, things will work out in such a fashion that you may then live happily ever after.

Contrariwise, if you are head-over-heels with someone who doesn’t care for you at all — especially if, despite this fact, you’d be willing to do anything they say for a chance with them — run for the hills.

8 ) Act very suspiciously.

This is best accomplished by having a secret that doesn’t involve murder. For example, you might try:
– having an extramarital affair
– drinking too much or having a prescription drug problem
– losing all your money suddenly and trying to hide it from others, especially your spouse or fiancée
– becoming involved with someone who would cause your parents to disown you should they find out
– working undercover for another police force or the secret service
– being a doctor whose personal habits or past mistakes would result in a loss of practice should they ever become public
– claiming to be someone you’re not in order to divert the legal route of an inheritance*

* works only if the person who gets the inheritance is nicer than whoever loses out

9) Make fun of the detective’s methods.

It may seem counterintuitive to oppose the protagonist — after all, what if you turn out to be the villain? However, if you constantly express doubt that the detective will be able to solve the murder and make fun of his eccentricities in loud and obnoxious ways, it stands to reason that you must be alive to get your comeuppance. Therefore, at the moment of the detective’s dramatic revelation, you will still be hale and hearty in order to burn with shame and admit publicly that you were wrong.

10) Never kill anyone.

This last may at first appear to be in error: after all, murder mysteries seldom include more than one killer, and even less often do they include two working at the same time but not in tandem. Surely, like the statistician who brings a bomb onto the airplane in the old joke, you can best assure your own survival by doing the killing yourself.

It may seem foolproof. But recall: as the killer, you will eventually be caught. Once this occurs, you have two choices — either do the decent thing and commit suicide in the privacy of your drawing room, or stand trial and receive the black cap from a hanging judge.

You must also resist the temptation to kill someone before the story begins. If you succumb, then you will either find yourself the victim of a killer with revenge on her mind, or you will wind up killing to protect your secret, in which case, see above.

While nothing can ever be said to be for certain in a murder mystery, these tips will give you a better than average chance of making it through to the detective’s final witticism. So stay alert, stay safe, and remember: if you have a guilty past and get a mysterious letter in the mail with an illegible signature inviting you to an isolated island manor house… just say NO.