It’s 2012, X Files, So Where’s My Alien Invasion? (New Year’s, Part II)

Well, Chris Carter? I’m still waiting.

In the meantime, it’s that time of year again: time to go over everything I said I’d do this time last year but probably failed to accomplish by this time this year. Drum roll, please!

Resolutions from 2011:

1. How not to buy or borrow any more video games until I’ve finished the ones I already have and/or sold or returned the ones I have no interest in playing.

Bam! I’m cheating a little by crossing this off, because there were some last-few-days-of-the-year shenanigans (what am I supposed to do, return a birthday present?)

But aside from the past few days (OK, aside from my birthday), I’ve conquered the “no buying or borrowing new games” part, and, more importantly, I’ve learned that this isn’t a resolution I want to keep up for next year. I’m modifying it to a permanent rule not to buy games for at least six months after I decide I “want” them, because that prevents me from buying games I’ll enjoy wanting more than I’ll enjoy having; not to borrow games unless I’m sure I have time and motivation to play them; and to sell or return games if it becomes apparent that I’m not going to play them again.

But I learned something new about myself: I can’t push myself through a game I’m not feeling the same way I can chug through a book or movie that doesn’t appeal to me. That’s in part because one of the main things that appeals to me about video games is the way they let me do something that feels good — completing a series of assigned tasks — in a low-stress environment with output that rewards effort. But usually when I stop wanting to play a game, it’s because I find the gameplay frustrating in some way, and it’s not clear to me that the effort I invest will result in progress.

2. How to hire temp employees for my small business.

Maybe I just chose more wisely in my goals for 2011, but it seems like I got a lot more of them crossed off this year. Or maybe I was more conscious of wanting to cross them off, and therefore I started working toward them earlier in the year. (Considering I started writing this blog entry in April, that is probably true.)

Anyway, I took Canadian Small Business Kit for Dummies out of the library this spring and used it as a spring-off point to cobble together a contract. The problem is (was), I need help only for one to six hours each year, roughly. Essentially, about one to three treasure hunts need supervision or set-up. If I needed to hire people full-time or even part-time, it’d be no problem, but the system doesn’t really seem to be set up to handle someone like me. (I suppose this is because most people with small businesses are actually, you know, actively trying to make money off of their businesses instead running them only for fun, because they can, like me. Maybe this will change when I finish my degree.)

3. How to go up by at least one big weight on all the weight machines I currently use. This means you, Preacher Curl!!!!

This one is why I started writing this blog entry in April. A curious thing happened over Passover: because Passover is essentially the Atkins Diet Jewish holiday, I found myself consuming way more protein. (On the other hand, around Passover is also when I started taking beginner acrobatic lessons (see #7), where they really gave us a workout each weekend. So it could be that, too.) Anyway, yeah. Up a big weight no problem.

4. On that note… how to work all the muscles I currently work on the weight machines with equivalent free-weight exercises.

First I had to figure this one out without free weights so I wouldn’t spent a month completely inactive when I travelled to London for research this spring. This involved “stealing” and then breaking the elastic tension band that my dad hardly ever uses anymore.

After that, it seemed like a piece of cake to figure out how to use the free weights, cable crossover, and bench press in the gym in my apartment building.

5.  All the information in the dozens of unread books currently on my shelves.

You mean I didn’t manage this? I know, I’m as surprised as you! To be fair, I received at least two extensive collections of novels that used to belong to relatives who passed away, but no excuses: come January, I’ll still be plugging away at this one.

6. How to have at least $5000 saved by the beginning of next school year (September).

Umm… done? Not really much more to say about that one.

7. How to do a cartwheel.

12 weeks of classes later, I can finally do it!  Or rather, I have done it, once or twice in class, but that counts. Thanks, Cirque-ability. For anyone living in the Toronto area, I highly recommend these guys. They’re great at balancing just the right level of challenge and support. (Also at balancing, in general, but that’s another story.)

8. How to stop on my left foot while skating. (sigh)

(sigh) If I’d been able to go to my last two hockey practices instead of being stuck in bed sick, I bet I’d be closer to having this done… At least I know now to keep my knees bent!

9. How to design and build stage illusions for a production without access to a specially built space.

Thank you, Liz, for giving me the opportunity to try this one in the spring production of Ismene. Thank you, Liz, Reid, Laura, Dave, Amanda, and Liz’s and Reid’s fathers for making the “build” part of this one happen and for putting up with a designer who does things like designing set pieces too wide to fit through the door once assembled. And thank you, Lucas, for agreeing to do what it took to perform the illusion every night, and the rest of the cast, for being OK with doing runs with the sound of power drills and sanders running in the background. This was difficult, but we did it, and it’s been one of the most valuable experiences pertaining to my research.

Also, thanks for the cape you guys (Melody) made me for closing night, because it’s awesome.

10. How to do a French Drop.

As well as the cape, the cast and crew of Ismene got me a how-to book of sleights of hand and magic tricks. After diligently practicing for ten minutes a day since May, I am proud to say, yes, not only can I do a French Drop, but I’m also kind of sort of learning to do that thing where you run a coin over your knuckles. On the minus side, I may be able to do the movements of a French Drop, but I still have no clue how to present it in a way that works for me.

Originally, I wanted to learn the skill in order to have a quick follow-up casual trick for when people approach me at academic conferences to ask about the trick I do during one of my talks. But I quickly realised that a straight-up presentation just isn’t going to work for me. I need to make it mean something. Back to the drawing board!

Resolutions from 2010:

2. How to start and maintain friendly conversations with people I don’t know or don’t know well.

See my New Year’s 2011 entry.

3. How to switch from skating forward in one direction to skating backward in that same direction without having to stop first.

My obstacle here is definitely a mental barrier, not a physical one. I can switch from backwards to forwards no problem-o. I like skating forwards.

Something else to work on during hockey practice this spring.

4. How to play The Orange Box and Portal without dying, turning off the computer in fright at Ravenholm, and/or getting stuck in the corner every two seconds.

I have come to a conclusion: first-person-shooters are not for me. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate Half-Life 2 for its masterfully integrated story and Portal for its mind-bending puzzles (yes, I am well aware that Portal 2 has been out for a while now. Shut up.) But my heart belongs to Zelda, to Mario, and to JRPGs. And you know what? I’m OK with that. The Orange Box is an excellent collection of games, and I will get through it eventually, but if I never become a l33t n00b-pwning gamer, I’ll live.

5. How to work with a literary agent and editor.

Still working on this one. I didn’t have as much time to write as I would’ve liked in 2011 — no, scratch that: I didn’t make as much time to write as I would’ve liked in 2011. Aside from the wonderful friends and family I love, this is the most important thing in the world to me. So it’s time to put the pedal to the metal and get cracking on these two unfinished first drafts. Get ready for me to fill your Facebook feed with requests for readers in 2012!

6. How to speak and read German and/or Yiddish.

2012’s the year, you guys!

7. How to fence (the way that involves swords, not pickets).

See above.

9. How to shoot a revolver.

Granted, I don’t know how to shoot a revolver very well, but I still got to fire off a few rounds this April thanks to the patience of the folks at the Forest Hill Revolver Club. And I hit the target with most of them.

For 2012:

1. Fine, let’s start with the big one: how to successfully write, revise, and defend a doctoral dissertation.
2. Wait, did I think that was the big one? Nope, it’s just chronologically first: how to get a post-graduation job, whether that means expanding my small business, nabbing a postdoc or other academic position, selling my writing, finding another career, or all of the above!
3. On a related note, how to get a paper accepted for publication in a peer-reviewed academic journal.
4. How to donate blood (or get medically disqualified from doing so, should that turn out to be the case). It’s shameful that I haven’t done this already, but full disclosure: based on how much I dislike blood tests, I’m really scared of this one. Let’s see what the ol’ willpower/sense of community responsibility can do.
5. How to downhill ski, water-ski, or both.
6. How to play the jaw harp. I already have one (thanks, Debra) — no point in letting it go to waste. (I guess since I’m Jewish I’m allowed to call it a Jew’s harp? But that doesn’t even make sense… at least the damn thing has something to do with jaws. Whereas, despite my mother’s claims of talent, I’ve never met a Jew who could play one.)
7. How to build a novel that consists of nine self-contained short stories. This will entail balancing the individual plots of the short stories with the overarching narrative of the novel. Oooh, I’m excited already!
8. How to mix a martini. Because why not?
9. How to wear earrings. My ears aren’t pierced, but I’ve been meaning to learn the mystical art of making non-clip-on earrings into clip-on-ful earrings.
10. How to send out an average of one writing submission, of any sort, per work week. Think I can do it? Honestly, me neither (I mean, check out those waffle words: “on average”…), but I damn well intend to try.

And that’s all she wrote for 2011! Hope everyone has an awesome new year!