VERY SRS BSNS!!1!

Normally, I post about trivial things, like thoughts on books, movies, and video games I happen to experience, or photos of things I’ve been doing, or rants about ideas and fan reactions encountered while watching House, M. D. Occasionally, I post my musings about more important things, like religious, philosophical, and/or political problems that happen to catch my eye. But seldom do I tackle such serious subjects as the one I’m about to tackle today. So if you have strong opinions on this matter, maybe you should leave now.

Because this blog… is the blog where I review Toronto’s poutine.

Since I know some of you who read this blog are American or just Canadian but barbaric, allow me to describe poutine: french fries, cheese curds, gravy. Food of the gods, heart attack on a plate.

There is variation in this simple formula — occasionally, one will run across poutines made with inferior forms of cheese, such as shredded cheddar or mozzarella. Others prefer to gild the lily; I understand that at some upscale restaurants, one can order poutine with duck confit or lobster bisque. Still others enjoy creating their own unique offerings: many poutine places offer poutines with meat, with tomato sauce, with vegetables. The sky’s the limit with this versatile foodstuff. At home, in Ottawa, I once tried a dessert poutine with sweet potato fries, cinnamon, caramel sauce, and mini marshmallows*.

But those aren’t the poutines I’ll be talking about here. True, one of the best poutines I’ve had was a goat-cheese-and-pesto version, a specialty of the Stratford eatery Boomer’s Fries, but in Toronto, I stick to the tried-and-true.

Another caveat: it’s not like I’ve been scouring the streets of Toronto for good poutine. I buy when I can where I am when I feel like it (which is always, by the way), but I’m sure there are plenty of good poutine places I haven’t been just because they’re nowhere near where I live, work, or play ball hockey. A pity, but a fact of life. Also, I’ve definitely eaten poutine at more places than these: these are just the one I’ve eaten at recently enough to remember.

Also, because I use asterisks to denote footnotes, I will be “rating” poutines out of five partial differentials (?) instead. What is a full five? That’s easy: the poutine from the chip wagon near my family’s cottage out in Lanark county, around Rideau Lake. Finished in the backseat in the 5-minute car ride between there and home.

Swiss Chalet — ??? Swiss Chalet fries are awesome: crispy on the outside, soft on the inside, without any of those mealy pockets of potato that make you feel like maybe your meal isn’t totally cooked. Their gravy is Swiss Chalet  sauce, salty with a tinge of sweet that I don’t really care for. The cheese is curd-like but not really good curds, but the whole thing melts together nicely. A decent poutine, but nothing out of the ordinary. If it’s the only thing nearby, fine, but otherwise I’d rather have gravy that’s a little more, well, gravy-tasting.

Burger Barn — ???? The poutine here is really good: fresh fries, tasty gravy, and real squeaky curds, all packaged up in a cardboard box. Unfortunately, it’s also very pricy. Their small poutine alone, with taxes and tip, runs about $8, and it’s maybe a snack or side-dish size, a handful and a half of fries. So this place loses a partial differential for that. I’d rather walk a bit further and get over twice as much for the same price from another decent place than splurge here for so little.

Fran’s – ? Disappointing. The fries aren’t so great, and the gravy’s OK, but the whole thing is topped with shredded orange cheddar cheese. Yuck. For the price, you might as well go buy the ingredients yourself at a grocery store.

Burger King – ??? Surprisingly enough, Burger King makes a decent poutine. You know what Burger King’s fries are like — typical fast-food ones, soft, uniformly golden, and nothing to write home about but nothing to complain about, either– and their gravy is mostly salt. But they do have realistic curds, and, most importantly, they serve it in a little plastic dish so everything melts together. So far, best fast-food poutine I’ve come across.

New York Fries — ?? Almost the opposite of Burger King: love their skin-on fries, love their gravy, but the scoopful of curds always remain disappointingly solid (a little rubbery, even), and the last time I went here, even the fries themselves were cold inside. If only they’d have a merger…

the Gladstone Hotel – ???½  Upscale poutine, with a choice between regular or mushroom gravy. The curds are real, but their use is sparing. There are also green onions sprinkled on the top and sweet-potato fries mixed in the general assembly. Tastes decent, but  for a poutine, this feels disappointingly… classy. Where’s the grease? The heaviness? The chip-wagon awesomeness?

Poutini’s – ???? Pretty good. Nothing much stuck out for me at this place except that their poutine comes in large styrofoam cups, and if you get one of the bigger sizes, you can order extra cheese halfway down, which is a definite plus. Nobody likes digging to the bottom only to find pristine fries untouched by gravy. This place has reasonable prices ($7-8 will get you a giant plain poutine, taxes included and cheese halfway down), but it’s unfortunately too far away from where I live for me to go there often.

Smoke’s Poutinerie – ????½ Full disclosure: my cousin** owns this chain, which has also very generously helped with a Pieces of Nine hunt in the past, so I may have a bit of a conflict of interest here. But I really do like Smoke’s poutine. It comes in a cardboard box, in very liberal portion sizes. No, but for real: I can’t finish a large. Me. That is crazy right there. The fries are perfect and the the curds are squeaky. The one thing I don’t really care for is the meat gravy, which has a weird sweetness to it, but the veggie gravy is awesome. If only the nearest Smoke’s weren’t a good 20-minute walk from my apartment…

* To answer your obvious question: Yes. Damn good.

** Full full disclosure: my mother’s first cousin’s first cousin’s son. There, wasn’t that boring?