Space: Where No One Can Hear You Hunt For Treasure
Greetings, people of Earth!
Our superior alien race finds your puny starships laughable. The extent to which you hu-mans rely on “dilithium crystals” is outrageous. Why, what will you do when the supply runs out in approximately 345.3 Earth years, or, as we like to say on Arcturus, 93 h’waxlobs?
I suppose you’ll do as you did now, and send your eight mightiest teams out to search the galaxy for hidden caches of the compound you need so dearly. Odd, its strange resemblance to the hu-man children’s toy known as “play dough”!
At first, your Earth teams appeared a motley crew. The members of Team 1, for example, did not all appear to be biological entities:
The apparel of the Red Squad, on the other hand, seemed strangely familiar:
And Team 3 looked downright… dark:
So dark, in fact, that hardly anyone dared take pictures of them to their faces:
Other teams wisely chose to blend in with the population:
I admit that we did not expect your Earth endeavours to be so successful. Of the trail of clues you were to follow, each leading both to the next clue and to ever-larger caches of dilithium crystals, we hardly expected you to get past the first. And yet, you demonstrated that you could overcome your hu-man limitations and learn to:
… master Klingon, chart courses through the stars
… find locations throughout the known galaxy based on visual records only
… decipher encrypted messages
… and extract the crystals from a variety of locations.
Although all the teams provided outstanding examples of what you Earth creatures call “determination” and “intelligence”, in the end, and there were many ways to achieve — teams who reached the caches second, teams who finished the entire hunt after the last cache had been found, teams who collected almost as many crystals — only one team could collect the most crystals.
Team 4… got to each cache right on the heels of the teams that found them first
Teams 2, 5, and 6… achieved the end of the hunt
Team 1… second team to achieve the end of the hunt
Team 7… attained 15 crystals (3rd place) and achieved the end of the hunt
The Red Squad… attained 50 crystals (2nd place), thanks in part to a donation of 2 from generous Team 6
…and the team so successful in their mission that it is easy to forget they’re even hu-man, The Galactic Gagas, with 80 crystals and almost as many psychadelic hairstyles. I believe it is the Earth custom to say, “Congratulations!”
I will never understand why you hu-mans insist on the tedious process of “voting” when a simple kick in the sna’fik is sufficient to assert one’s dominance over the rival males of one’s tribe. However, using your primitive rituals, you named Dave and his team, the Red Squad, the winners of most elaborate costumes:
(Hey, that’s not a phaser!)
And Juliana and her teammates the winners of most creative costumes:
Is Yervant happy with his team’s prize?
But don’t worry, the petty land wars and international hostility that plagued your planet during the first few millenia of your species’ civilization are a thing of the past.
On behalf of the United Galactic Board, many thanks to all the heroic space adventurers who participated, the various anonymous extra-terrestrial entities who aided them on their journey, and especially to Smoke’s Poutinerie, who graciously not only housed dilithium crystals for safekeeping but provided some prizes and allowed stinky hu-mans onto their premises despite the fact that this would clearly put customers off their appetites.
Godspeed, creatures of the Earth! May you earn your rightful place in the galaxy in record time! And, remember, next year: BRAAAAAIIIIIIINNNNNS…
MANY THANKS to JULIANA B., DAVE H., HEATHER C., SHEILA G., and SARAH L. G. for sharing their amazing photos and videos!