Infectious Writing Disease Bulletin
Hi-ho, Kermit-the-blogger here on the scene of some of the most egregious dialogue diseases to strike authors this year. Forget H1N1 – these strains are virulent and highly contagious. I also must note that a number of popular published stories and many of my current works-in-progress have tested positive for these pathogens. So if your writing has come in contact with mine, it MAY BE INFECTED! Please vaccinate your novels and plays.
1. Mulder-Scully-itis
Mulder, do you really think the aliens are coming?
Yes, Scully, I do.
But, Mulder, there are no such things as aliens.
Scully, how can you say that?
Mulder, exactly why do we keep calling each other by name? Surely we both know we’re talking to each other.
It’s strange, Scully, but it’s often very tempting to writers to have characters repeat each other’s names for dramatic emphasis.
Really, Mulder? Listen to yourself talk in real life. People hardly ever use anybody else’s name in dialogue, except when they’re trying to get their attention, like: hey, Mulder! Or when they’re annoyed, like: arg, Mul-der! It becomes even more apparent when you read the dialogue aloud.
Well, Scully, that’s the trouble: when you read the lines individually, they don’t sound too bad. It’s only together that they start to get ridiculous.
Even so, Mulder, it’s easy to avoid. Why would writers do it?
The aliens, Scully, the aliens.
2. the Pinters
(pause)
(pause)
Sometimes writers …
Yes?
(pause)
(pause)
Do you…?
I…
(pause)
(pause)
It’s lucky we have really good actors playing us, since we hardly say anything except “(pause)”.
Well, a “(pause)” is the easiest way of changing the topic of conversation or conveying emotion, since the writer doesn’t actually have to do anything except rely on the talents of the actors or the imagination of the reader.
(pause)
(pause)
(THEIR SILENCE: IT IS FRAUGHT WITH MEANING!!!)
3. Princeton Plainsboro Syndrome
(NOTE: Advance Warning Bulletin appeared last week)
Hi, House.
Hi, Cuddy.
O HAI GUYS I AM A BACKGROUND EXTRA BUT U ARE SOOOO ATTRACTED TO ONE ANOTHER ARE U GOIN TO GET A ROOM OR WHAT LOLZ ROFL!!!1!*
Ummm… are we attracted to one another, House?
Whether we are or not, Cuddy, you’d never know it from our part of the dialogue. All we said was, “Hi.”
House, you’re right. It’s like the writers have decided to eschew characterization in the actual scene in order to have characters who will never reappear tell the audience what they wanted to convey but for whatever reason refused to write themselves.
LOLWHUT ITS A JOKE U GUYS DONT U HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR?????
Sure we do – Cuddy and I agree that it was maybe funny the first time – underscoring the irony that we as characters are not in touch with our feelings yet display them so obviously that casual bystanders take notice – but the tenth?
Totally with House on this one. The first time, it’s a decent joke. Maybe even the second time is okay. But after that, it’s the writers trying to wallpaper over repetitiveness or problems with the dialogue by turning it into a “running gag”.
Or trying to throw in some half-butt-cheeked fan-service by having an inconsequential character say what the writers hope the audience would like to say to the characters – right, Cuddy?
House, don’t freak out, but I think we might have a case of Mulder-Scully-itis.
… damn.
4. Betazoid Fever
Hey, Captain Picard, what’s up?
Glad you asked, Number One. I’m feeling melancholy because my brother and his son were killed, and now the Picard family name dies with me. Also, I sort of have a crush on Beverly, and I’m frustrated because my tea came out of the replicator cold today.
Um, that’s a lot of feelings right there, sir.
I can’t help it. I must tell you exactly what I’m feeling at all times whenever you ask. Actually, now that I think about it, maybe it’s not really melancholy but gloominess.
Okay, but –
Or perhaps soul-deadening despair.
Captain, do you really have to tell us all this?
Why not?
Well, it’s just that people in real life hardly ever come right out and say their feelings. And when they do, they often aren’t the best judge of what they feel – haven’t you ever had a friend tell you she was fine in a way that made you believe she clearly wasn’t?
I guess.
We tend to rely on non-verbal clues – tone of voice, facial expression, actions – to judge others’ emotional states. Besides, often when people are feeling something really strongly, they often don’t want to talk about it. So having characters outright describe their emotional state often rings false. It’s telling instead of showing.
Ah, and the rule of thumb for writers is to show, not tell, eh, Riker? Make it so!
Exactly, sir – oh, hi, Deanna.
I’m sensing a feeling of great joy. And gratitude. Great joy. And gratitude.
5. The Screaming L-Ys
“The thing about this disease,” said Harry informatively, “is you only really see it when you read written dialogue.”
RON: (wonderingly) But does the dialogue have to be prose?
“No,” said Harry negatingly, “it can be a script, too. It’s just that only the artists get to see it when it is.”
RON: (knowingly) Aha, I get it. (curiously) But what’s the problem with it?
“It’s the whole show-don’t-tell thing again,” said Harry expositorily.
RON: (confusedly) I’m afraid I don’t follow.
“Look,” said Harry patiently. “Good dialogue should (usually) convey the manner of speaking via what’s being said, not via stage directions. For instance, if someone says ‘I’m afraid I don’t follow’ – like you just did – the reader understands they’re confused. If you need to clarify with an -ly word, 90% of the time, you’d be better off rewriting.”
RON: (understandingly) Ah! And in a script, it’s especially bad because the audience doesn’t actually get to read it. So if the actors and actresses decide to ignore your directions, they’ll never know. If it’s important that everyone understand how the character is saying it, then you’d better put it into the dialogue itself, eh, Harry?
Harry said, remindingly, “Don’t forget that an author who really needs to add some information to dialogue to make it make sense can still show through action rather than tell it through narrative.”
RON: (agreeably) Oh – you mean like how ‘”I hate you.” Sally smiled.’ and ‘”I hate you.” Sally threw her plate into the wall and ran away.’ hint that Sally says those words two very different ways.
“Precisely,” said Harry precisely.
RON: (optimistically) Look on the bright side – at least we get some Tom Swifties out of it!
*To be fair, I would totally watch an episode of House that had a character who spoke like this all the time:
HOUSE: Diagnosis?
FOREMAN: Well –
DR. INTERNET: FIRST!
FOREMAN: – maybe it’s an infection.
DR. INTERNET: FAIL!
CHASE: Uh, it could be malaria.
TAUB: I agree.
THIRTEEN: Me, too.
DR. INTERNET: THIS!!!
DR. INTERNET: *draws a picture of genitals*
HOUSE: Do you have anything useful at all to contribute to this differential?
DR. INTERNET: Yes. Are you ready?
(House and the Cottages all lean in)
DR. INTERNET: *turns into Rick Astley* Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…
… Heck, who am I kidding? I would totally watch an episode of House that involved all the characters reading a phone book…
oh sar :)
very funny script-os
aren’t those writing ‘mishaps’ sometimes just part of certain styles/what the audience wants some of the time?
for example, with house, x-files, star trek: who wants to watch real life? boring. if you’re watching tv, you want to see real life the way it isn’t. otherwise, I’d imagine you’d watch something like reality tv, which also isn’t quite real life, but the dialogues are more what you’re saying they should be (if reality tv was actually scripted, would you think it was well-written?). (d’apres moi). hence the names, the non-usual patterns of speech (actually, communications professionals would tell you that we *should* say exactly how we’re feeling, depending with whom you’re speaking, another can of worms, whatever), etc, I think are generally enjoyed and fed to the audience. what would happen to the shows if they really protrayed real stuff or spoke the way we do everyday?
I guess in shorter and other words: is being ‘real’ or ‘good scripting’ the point/goal of these shows/harry potter?
yay!
also, and more importantly, I think you should write about food for your next topic. whatever you want to say about it :D There’s so much! so interesting! :D…k, maybe that’s just me…yay! :D
cool bloggerooo! :)
<3
Hey Deb – Thanks for commenting! (And are you super bored or something, to be reading my blog entries the day I post them ;) ?) The point isn’t necessarily just that these dialogue tics are unrealistic; it’s that they’re unrealistic in a bad way, a way that takes away from the story and/or jars the reader or viewer. For instance, read the Mulder-Scully dialogue aloud; if you heard someone speak like that on TV, would you be paying more attention to the story or to how funny they sounded?
In some of the other ones (e.g., the emotions one), the point is also that the writer runs the danger of taking the “lazy” way out rather than working on more effective ways of getting the main idea across, ways that would increase the audience’s enjoyment of the story.
e.g. Sometimes instead of making a character actually act like she’s sad, because that’s too hard, the writer just has her *say* that she’s sad, which is altogether less entertaining and harder to believe. Or, for example, there are people who write excellent Pinter-esque dialogue, but as a writer, I have to say that when I’m tempted to use a “telling” pause, it’s usually not because I’ve considered the various options and decided the pause was the best; it’s because I don’t actually know what I want the character to say/think/feel/believe, and I’m too lazy to figure it out.
Of course dialogue shouldn’t be word-for-word what people say (otherwise it would hardly make any sense – in Writer’s Craft and playwriting classes, we often got assigned to secretly transcribe strangers’ conversations, and they mostly go along the lines of, “Uh… right the way the things I know.” “True, but… uh… what about the way…” “Yeah, the… uh… thing. With the eyes… uh… how about… uh… it?”), but it still has to sound “right” the the audience’s ears/mental ears
@Deb PS What is with you and food? Go eat something, woman!
I almost spewed tea on my monitor with this one. Very funny. And (sigh) I’m guilty of doing a bunch of these myself. I’m also guilty of stage-directoring (you know, telling every darn movement and activity in sequence. Like someone will actually leave the room without opening the door first)
One problem, though, is that so many people are used to TV/book characters telling what they believe/feel/think that when you have someone lie or hide their true feelings/thoughts, they get confused.
@Ted – thanks, glad you found it funny :) I think all of us writers are guilty of all of these things at some point or another. (The name one is particularly insidious, until you hear just how weird it sounds reading it aloud. Names seem like such a good way to emphasize things… Thank goodness for crit groups and play readers ;) )
The weird thing about the emotions one is that the way a character acts can override even the most outright statement of feelings (in my experience, anyway). I’m trying to think of any story I’ve read/watched where a character convinced me they were feeling a certain way by saying so, and none come to mind. (Except the special case of romance protagonists saying, “I love you”, but that’s sort of a trope of the genre.)
Hmmm, I guess sometimes, I get convinced by characters saying what they’re thinking (e.g. in the Picard example, “Their faces just keep appearing in front of my eyes… Robert and Rene. I always thought Rene would keep the Picard name going… but now, they’re both dead. How can I continue in Starfleet, knowing that?” etc.)
WHAT DOES EVERYBODY HAVE AGAINST RICK ASTLEY?
Also, I totally overuse the adverbs.
Oh yeah? Well, I… definitely, hypocritically, ridiculously overuse the adverbs.
Show-off.