How to Catch a Writer: 6 Easy Methods for the Novice

Conventional wisdom has it that writers make poor household pets, but once you have the opportunity to observe these delightful creatures as close range, you’ll find their care offers the enterprising pet lover a rewarding experience.

Recent legislation has made the importation of writers for private ownership illegal in most countries, but, luckily, this fascinating species can be found in the wild worldwide, native to almost all natural and manmade habitats. In most countries, the easiest way to obtain a writer you can care for is to catch one yourself.

However, before doing so, remember: writers exist in a delicate balance with nature. Be absolutely certain that you can care for one appropriately before making that commitment. If you raise and release an excellent writer back into the wild, before you know it, a flood of new ones inspired by your former pet may disturb the natural equilibrium. A writer may live up to 100 years or even longer; you must be willing to commit to its long-term care. We all have a responsibility to preserve our environment for future generations.

There are several ways to catch your own writer. Many writer enthusiasts have their own preferred method, but here are a few that have been proven effective, all humane. You should choose the one that works for you. Don’t be afraid to practice catch and release until you snare a specimen suitable for your tastes and living arrangements.

1. Offer free food and drink

Pros: This time-tested method has been shown to gather writers quickly. If you wish to capture a mature specimen, including alcoholic beverages may increase your chances. However, you should note that many fine writers do not drink at all; adjust your methods to suit your tastes.

Cons: Although effective, this method attracts many different species. You may find a full range of teenagers, university students, senior citizens, industry professionals, and passersby at your feeder. For the budding writer keeper, it can be difficult to distinguish the common writer from these related species.

2. Offer coffee and free wifi

Pros: Like the above method, this one has proved its effectiveness over centuries of use. As a bonus, you may find your writer willingly compensates you monetarily for the coffee. However, if you hope to attract a wider variety, you may wish to offer it for free.

Cons: Unfortunately, like its cousin, this method also attracts many different species. Moreover, if you live in a quiet or rural space, you may find you attract writers unsuitable for your living conditions. Writers caught under these circumstances thrive in lively, urban environments with plenty of background noise. They are unlikely to produce their best plumage if transplanted out of their comfort zone.

There is also the danger of attracting mimic species. In particular, the would-be writer often adores these baits and can be very difficult for the amateur to distinguish. Telltale signs include its signature calls, When I retire, I’d like to… and I always thought about writing a book…

3. Say an agent or editor is in the area

Pros: Unlike the previous methods, this requires no resources on the part of the writer lover. Writers you attract may become disgruntled upon learning there is no industry professional nearby, but many are easily fooled by imposters making reference to non-existent agencies or publishing houses. The writers you catch by this method are more likely to produce work, even in captivity, though there is no guarantee.

Cons: This method is most effective with a particular subspecies of writer, the Vivus sperandum, more commonly known as the hopes-to-break-into-traditional-publishing. There are many other fine subtypes of writer — some enthusiasts favour the self-published (Audaces fortuna iuvat) and others the traditionally-established-mid-list (Labor vincit), for example — though Viv. sper. is most common and hence simplest to care for.

4. Offer writing advice

Pros: Although this method requires a little more preparation than others, anyone can give it a try. Writers of all sorts are attracted by means to improve their craft or chances of obtaining an audience. Do not worry that your lack of writing experience will taint your chances: it is much easier to advise on writing than to perpetrate it.

Cons: This method may lure all sub-species, but Aud. fort. iuv. and Lab. vin. are more likely to approach with caution. You may require significant investment in gaining the trust of your targets if you wish to attract these less common types. In addition, because this is one of the simplest methods of attracting writers, you may find it difficult to draw them to your advice rather than that of your neighbours.

5. Announce that you are “open to submissions” (WARNING: recommended for more experienced enthusiasts)

Pros: Biologically, many species feel compelled attraction to phenomena such as pheromones and mating calls. Writers are only slightly different. Much like a duck call tricks the bird into believing there is an attractive mate of the opposite sex nearby, the writing call “open to submissions” is irresistible to writers of most subspecies.

Cons: Experts warn that this method may work a little too well. If you are simply looking for a single writer to add to your household, you may find yourself swamped with more responses than you can handle. Few spaces for many writers has been known to provoke hostility and even aggressive intraspecies behaviour. The novice should beware for fear of being overwhelmed.

6. Offer a glowing critique and one problem

Pros: This is the most time-consuming but most widely recommended method. No other strategy can compare to its ability to secure not merely the physical presence of your writer but also its loyalty and affection.

First, you must observe writers in the wild. Once you have located a specimen that suits your tastes, approach it slowly and gently. Over time, especially if you offer it treats such as food, drink, and trinkets, you will eventually gain its trust. This accomplished, coax the writer into allowing you to view its manuscript-in-progress. If you achieve this goal — congratulations! This is a sign of trust. Your writer has come to accept you as a benign presence and is no longer afraid that you wish it harm.

Read the manuscript, and be sure to praise the writer very highly.

When the writer is ready for the next step, you will be able to tell by one or more of the following physical responses: increased blood flow to the cheeks, mouth curving upwards at the corners, the rare Really? Thank you… vocalization. At this point, you must close the trap: use a phrase like, “I just had one question. How did your character get from the rooftop to the garden in the next city after killing the monster?”

If executed with skill, this should cause your target to become fixated, bringing the writer under your sway permanently. As a bonus, writers captured in this manner are more likely to complete useful chores, such as vigorously cleaning the entire home from top to bottom or running all the errands necessary for the following month or two.

Cons: Although in very rare conditions, you will be unable to find a suitable trap phrase, the chief drawback of this method is, as mentioned above, the time investment required.

Now that you have reviewed the six major writer-capture techniques, you are well on your way to becoming the proud caregiver of your very own writer. Best of luck!