5 More Effective Ways for Christmas-Celebrators to Communicate with Non-Christmas-Celebrators

Hello, my lovely friends, family, acquaintances, and Internet strangers! Some of you celebrate Christmas! Some of you do not! Many of you in the former category sometimes worry about including those in the latter. I know it can feel like the season is littered with word-bombs that may unintentionally hurt people you love or make others dislike you despite your good intentions.

For this reason, but more importantly, because once again, it’s that time of year where websites start to write up listicles about different people’s holiday experiences (#9 TRUTH), here is some food for thought.

~~~***How to effectively express some holiday wishes if you are not sure whether someone celebrates Christmas (or are sure they do not)***~~~

(by someone who is sure she does not)

1. Phrase to replace: “I know we’re not supposed to say it, but merry Christmas.”

What (I think) they want to say: Don’t the politics surrounding Christmas make it difficult for us to connect as human beings? Here are some good holiday wishes I really mean!

What it can feel like: I am going to wish you Merry Christmas whether you like it or not. If you don’t like it, you are a problem for me.

What might more effectively get the intended message across: “Happy Holidays!” or “Have a great day!” or “Merry Christmas!” [they don’t celebrate it] “Oh, well, have a great holiday season, then!” or “I have no idea what, if anything, you celebrate, but have a good one of those!”

All those things tell the listener that the speaker really wishes them all the best this time of year but still leaves space for people to be different.

Actually, I heard one I like best yesterday from the cashier in Muji: “Enjoy Christmas!” I feel like everyone might enjoy Christmas in that it’s a statutory holiday, it makes many people happy, and/or you have fun things to do that day, even if (whether it’s part of your culture or not) you can’t or don’t have a traditionally merry Christmas.

2. Phrase to replace: “But Christmas isn’t religious.”

What (I think) they want to say: I don’t consider your participation in Christmas traditions to be indicative of any faith on your part. I want you to be able to enjoy all the fun things I like about the holiday I celebrate without feeling like you’re committed to belief systems I know you don’t uphold.

What it can feel like: I am the one who gets to decide if celebrating Christmas holds significant meaning for you. My definition of religion is the only one that matters, and it is more important than the definitions of other people who celebrate Christmas.

What might more effectively get the intended message across: “For me, Christmas is about [my family/gifts/having fun/spending time with people I love/whatever Christmas is about for me]. Those are things I’d love to share with you. What does it feel like it’s about for you?”

3. Phrase to replace: “If you don’t like it, then don’t [do something that requires you to come into contact with Christmas stuff.]“

What (I think) they want to say: I don’t like seeing you upset, and I feel like there are some actions you could take to stop feeling that way. Why not avoid the things that make you feel negative? or It hurts my feelings when you complain about this thing that makes me so happy.

What it can sound like: During this time of year, public spaces are for me and people like me. If you don’t like it, you don’t belong in our community.

It isn’t always on the radar of people who celebrate Christmas in a Christmas-dominant culture, but from American Thanksgiving onward, there is no way to live in a mainstream Canadian community and avoid it. Christmas is on TV, on the Internet, on the radio, on the news, in stores, in restaurants, at work, in the foyers of the buildings where we live. Heck, some of the app icons on my phone automatically update to wear little Santa hats.

Even if people who don’t celebrate Christmas live and work within a community of people from the same culture, Christmas permeates public spaces we all need to use.

What might more effectively get the intended message across: “I hate seeing you upset like this. Is there something you like to do this time of year that we can do together?” or “I appreciate why Christmas can be annoying for you, but it’s a really special time of year for me. I feel upset when you complain about things that are meaningful to me. Is it okay if we set boundaries on what parts of Christmas we talk about together?”

4. Phrase to replace: “But I don’t mind [celebrating your holiday] with you.”

What (I think) they want to say: It feels hurtful/unfair that you’re only willing to celebrate holidays with me if they’re from your tradition. Why can’t we share my tradition too?

What it can sound like: I don’t agree that our society treats my holidays different than your holidays. We all get treated the same, and if you have a problem with it, that’s because you’re the problem.

Unfortunately, Canadian and American society doesn’t treat all religions and holidays the same. True, those who observe other holidays technically have the right to have that time off, and public schools and workplaces are supposed to treat people of all faiths equally, but in practice, that doesn’t always happen.

If you celebrate Christmas, imagine for a moment that you had to ask for Christmas off work and school. And that even though your boss legally has to give you the time off, they remind you that there will be a big meeting that day where everyone else will be working hard, and you’ll have to make it up the next day. They ask you if you can’t just pop in for the morning, because, like, opening presents shouldn’t take you very long, and that’s all Christmas is, right?

In order to prepare for Christmas, you have to either live in a large city or make a trip to one, and you have to Google in advance to find the one store that sells any Christmas decorations, trees, and lights. Sometimes, you have to check a few stores, all in different areas of town, to find the one basic thing you’re looking for (like Christmas wrapping paper or molasses to make gingerbread).

And then when Easter rolls around, and you don’t do anything for it because it’s not a big deal for your family, everyone gives you side-eye because they figure celebrating Christmas can’t actually be important for you, since you don’t celebrate all the Christian holidays they know about.

Whether or not you identify as Christian, the default setting in Canadian society is to celebrate Christmas and have a Christian background. If you do or are anything else, you need to work constantly to maintain those traditions and identity. Canadians, whether they celebrate Christmas or not, already have to share Christmas in public spaces. This can be exhausting, and sometimes there isn’t any energy left over to share Christmas in yet another way.

What might more effectively get the intended message across: “I enjoyed being part of [your holiday] with you, and I hoped I could share my traditions with you in the same way, because you’re important to me. For Christmas, [my family/friends and] I like to [do things]–can I share [some of the things] with you?”

5. Phrase to replace: “[any argument about why the listener should do something Christmassy they have already said makes them uncomfortable]“

What (I think) they want to say: I feel hurt that you seem to expect my Christmas event/activity to be offensive or force you to do Christian things. I’m trying to include you. Why do you think I’m a bigot?

What it can sound like: My feelings about Christmas are perfectly rational. Yours are hysterical, and your feelings of discomfort or hurt are objectively wrong.

What people who don’t celebrate Christmas — and people who do celebrate Christmas — and pretty much all human beings, ever — want is for our feelings to be given as much weight as the feelings of everyone else.

My feelings about Christmas are not rational. Neither are yours. They’re feelings, tied to our personal experiences, and neither is more valid than the other.

You feel you’re not going to do anything that will make me uncomfortable at your Christmas party; I feel like you are already making me uncomfortable about your Christmas party. I feel like I’m setting the boundaries I need; you feel like I’m rejecting you and the things that are important to you.

Both sets of feelings are real.*

What might more effectively get the intended message across: “I respect that you don’t feel comfortable [doing the thing]. But because you and [the thing] are both really important to me, I feel a little rejected. Is there a way we can make [the thing] more comfortable for you so we can share [the part that’s important to me]?”

Hope you and yours have a happy and healthy holiday season. Enjoy Christmas!

* Yes, the feelings of those who believe that acknowledging other traditions constitutes a “war on Christmas” are also real and deserve respect too. The difference is, my respect for someone else’s feelings doesn’t entail crossing my own boundaries or forcing others to cross theirs. I can rely on other ethical beliefs (such as the one that religious minorities deserve acceptance and space to maintain our own traditions) to determine whose feelings I want to act on.