On Not Being a Nerd: A Confession
My name is Sarah, and I’m not a nerd.
It’s a tough thing for me to admit. Nerds are cool. I hang out with nerds, date nerds, spend most of my social time with nerds. Nerds have cool toys, make engaging videos, and fight for good causes. And for most of my life, I’ve thought of myself as a nerd.
So why the change now?
Like so many questions I ask myself on this blog, the answer boils down to: I don’t know.
But if I had to cobble together some sort of explanation, the best I can come up with are these three descriptions of how I feel:
1. Being a nerd feels materialistic
Recently, nerd culture feels to me like it’s about… stuff. Having stuff for sake of having stuff. Buying stuff for the sake of buying it.
I understand wanting stuff. Heck, it’s been difficult for me to pry books I never read, wasn’t reading, and never would read again out of my greedy little hands to make more room on my shelves. I’d gasp like you hit me if you suggested getting rid of the books I really, really love, like the works of Diana Wynne Jones or the Chronicles of Narnia, even though I very seldom take them off the shelf.
But although I can understand the impulse of collecting toys and action figures and models and DVDs and games — although, as you can tell with the whole books thing, I get that not just intellectually but personally — I just… OK, honestly? I’m really happy for all the people who love to make stuff, fan items and fan art, and I’m happy for those who can be made happy by a Dr. Who bathrobe or an anime T-shirt or a ticket to see The Dark Knight Rises. I’m happy for those who enjoy playing board games or collecting console peripherals or beautiful editions of their favourite books.
But… I can’t help but feeling like for me, acquiring those things, latching onto stories and hobbies, is like trying to purchase entrance into the kind of life stories show me. I don’t want figurines of my favourite characters because I know the only reason I want them is to show others, “Look! This is the kind of person I am!” But I’d rather show them that through my behaviour. Likewise, I do want to live a life that feels like the lives of the characters whose journeys I admire — Alicia Florrick’s, maybe even aspects of Sherlock Holmes’s or Dr. House’s, but I want to do that by making good and progressive lifestyle changes, not by wearing the same clothes as them or playing with the same toys.
I understand and fully support that other people buy and do these things for reasons not at all like my own — and if I had their reasons, I would probably still enjoy buying and doing them too. But I know myself, and my reasons are selfish ones. So out they go.
2. Being a nerd feels childish… in a bad way
Another way that nerd culture has stopped resonating with me is I don’t like the pervasive sense of “us” (the sane ones! the smart ones! the cool ones that don’t care if you think we’re too old for Batman or that are happy to get kids’ toys for our birthdays!) that I’m feeling more and more as I get older.
Maybe a good way to put it is: if this is you, that’s cool. But the idea behind it rubs me the wrong way. It’s okay to be 40 and think ball pits are amazing. It’s also okay to be 20 and think ball pits are dumb. Neither of those potential people has bad or wrong taste.
Sometimes, I get the impression that online nerd culture glorifies childishness for the sake of childishness, not for the sake of liking particular things that are sometimes considered childish. Some of the things I enjoyed when I was ten are intelligent, interesting, or profound enough to grip me now. But the majority aren’t, and that’s okay.
Lots of pop culture feeds us the message that taking on traditional adult roles — deciding you’re too old to climb a tree or enjoying choosing your tie in the morning — is for unimaginative people with limited intelligence. But there’s a fine line between refusing to be limited and refusing responsibility. Responsibilities are inherently limiting; freedom of action and accepting moral standards are intrinsically in conflict. Pop culture seems to remember the great part of Peter Pan — the adventures and swordfights and flying around — and forget the dark side J. M. Barrie made clear: in order to never grow up, you must never think of your responsibility to others before yourself, and the price you pay is that you’re excluded from meaningful human relationships.
And so, although retaining a sense of wonder is great, and although it’s a shame to abstain from things you enjoy because you’re worried they’re childish, I respect those who’d rather be practical than creative; or whose creativity takes the form of being practical; or who see no difference between the two concepts.
3. Being a nerd feels like placing limits on what smart people can do and like and be like
I’m not sure how to articulate this. It’s the pi shirts on ThinkGeek and the differential equation mugs. It’s the unspoken understanding that math + physics + science = stuff smart people like!
I’ve been lucky enough to be able to explore several different fields in my academic career, and you know what? There are some really dumb people who like science. There are really smart people who prefer English lit, history, or theatre. There are really smart people who hate all school subjects and really dumb people who love being in class.
It’s true that people tend to like stuff they’re good at, and that you do need to be smart to succeed at most “geeky” academic subjects. But just liking math doesn’t make you a genius. Fetishizing pi or the golden ratio is cool if it’s what you actually enjoy doing, but it seems silly to extol these things as markers of an overall personality type.
I guess I also have a knee-jerk reaction to any form of group rules. And although I know that in real life, many nerds are inclusive, I can’t help but feel that online, the loudest voices in nerd culture are ones like this that suggest there’s a “right” and “wrong” way to be a nerd.
All I care about is that nobody tries to enforce his or her approach to life on someone else. Obviously, there always has to be balance, negotiation, and compromise, but… really? Is it so terrible that some people like to play Portal and some people (maybe the same ones) like to watch American Idol? That some people like to spend hours on their make-up and some (maybe the same ones too!) like to spend hours figuring out their character’s base stats? That anyone who does what they enjoy can call themselves whatever they want — “nerd”, “fan”, “geek” — because the only people losing out if they lie are themselves?
I don’t think so. And though I respect that most people who think of themselves as nerds don’t think so either, the word has got caught up in a culture that just doesn’t speak to me right now.
I think you just dislike the culture. I do too in some ways. I definitely don’t like following the crowd. And I’m not going to let what is “cool” define what I like.
I also don’t like to feel materialistic. I like crafting but I hate keeping the craft things. So I only make things if there is a purpose (either to go on my wall, a costume or to give to someone).
I also feel like it’s a little childish. When I hang out with the Nerdfighters I feel way too grown up and generally too old to be hanging out with these “kids”. But I still identify as a nerd and enjoy the things I like.
There are some aspects of nerd culture that I don’t like too. I hate RPGs and anime. I’m not into comic books and most video games. But I love math even though I’m not that good at it. I like discussing new scientific advances like quantum internet (did you hear about it?!)
For those reasons I consider myself a nerd. But I still agree with everything you said.
Fair enough :) I think being a “nerd” (or not being a “nerd”… or being anything else) is a personal choice that only the person to whom the term would apply can or should make.
As a person who enjoys a little of everything I’ve always found words like “nerd” troubling. Why people enjoy such oversimplified schemas is obvious, but at the same time infuriating.
Thanks for reading, Ari! I find it frustrating how appealing I find the idea of belonging to a simplified group like “nerds” or “writers” or “Slytherins”–but I guess I also find it frustrating when I don’t get to choose how those schemas are applied to me or when I decide to be part of them. On the other hand, I often catch myself being proud of purposely violating those schemas, which isn’t really much better.
I considered nerdiness to be a kind of outlook on life, where you enjoy this goofy highbrow highfalutin stuff, where you go quoting Shakespeare at the kids (“Put up your bright swords or the dew will rust them” is cooler than “pick up these damn Nerf swords because the floor is not a toy box”) and collecting bird eggs or whatever. Though I can see where that particular area of nerdiness you discussed above would be a turn-off — but I think it’s just a subset that the media focuses on. Most people nerd quietly, except for the loud ones!
Yeah, I think a lot of what doesn’t speak to me is the loudness. Sometimes it seems that the loudest voices forget that bullying isn’t wrong because the bullies are incorrect about what they say — it’s wrong because bullying is wrong, whether you’re bullying someone for liking Lord of the Rings or Jersey Shore.
You know I’ve long since felt like I don’t know enough about nerd culture to identify with the term. This piece has added to that feeling! I’m sure in some circles people might think of me as a “nerd” and at one point I contemplated it in relation to myself (while at a summer camp for over-achieving youth.. hello group think!) Now I feel like I know just barely enough to not use the term at all for fear of being like the uncool 50 year old trying to use the latest youth slang.
Heh, just stay away from anything the ninja turtles said, and you’re probably good. (“That’s a totally tubular hat, young man! Cowabunga!”) ;-)
LOL nice!
I think in-line with what you and other people have said the problem is related to the fact that there are two kinds of people in the world, those who divide people into simple binaries and those who don’t (I fall into the latter category of course:).
Personally I identify as a nerd (and a geek, see xkcd for distinction;) both because I do have a lot in common with other people who so self identify (I may not love every aspect but I enjoy most genre fiction, science stuff, anime, hobbies like RPGs and so on, I also have lots of the foibles associated with nerds pedantry, social awkwardness, wear glasses etc.) and because to be honest I think of nerd as more something you get called by other people and solidarity with the rest of the people so called seems the better course even now. You do raise some good points and certainly would not gainsay what you want to call yourself.
Anyway, I agree with much of what you say in 2 and 3. I would say there is way too much self-righteousness and self-satisfaction that occurs once you get congregations of self-styled nerds/geeks either in the same room or on an internet forum. It is a pretty natural social dynamic, create an in and out group, come up with some demarcation criterion and celebrate how great it is to be in the in group. Also, since nerds are (or at least were) in some small way social outcasts (at least in primary/secondary school, which is different from adult life) there is an element of getting ones own back at those who derided you at work in the whole triumphalism of nerdishness. The thing is that this sort of thing is regressive, can become morally repugnant at the extreme and is often deeply confused, but as has been suggested it is an inherent peril of social life and I don’t think we can escape it by denying our membership in a group. Happily along some axises nerd culture can be very inclusive and welcoming, hopefully the better impulses can triumph. The self-indulgence (of things like being childish) is actually maybe the harder vice to escape, but more about being in a mutual self-admiration society, which any subculture can become, than in being a nerd as such.
For 1 I’m not sure I know what collecting stuff is about (for me or anyone else). I mostly collect books (I actually own way more academic books than say comic books). For me one possibly key issue is a desire to remember the past, to have mementos (I am very nostalgic). I would say that I sometimes feel like I am trying to make a connection with the subject by buying stuff and I think that might be what you are talking about, but I’m not sure I ever thought of it as actual participation or sympathetic magic the way you suggest. Also, when I buy a book there can be an aspirational component, especially for educational matter. It’s certainly about the attempt to buy happiness/consumerism (if commercials have taught me anything it is that you can buy happiness for a little while). Fear of being unprepared plays a role. I also collect say independent small press comics because I want to support people I think are doing something interesting and worthwhile and as a way of connecting with friends (who are such self-publishers). Finally my academic books have at least some claim to a connection with my career ambitions, but in reality I collect them with much the same emotional attitude I collect comic books or fantasy novels (I actually have not been accumulating fantasy novels other than Prachett for years). There are some aspects of collecting that seem like ends in themselves like the need for completeness (but it has its uses in research pursuits like academics). Luckily I’m not in any danger yet of being killed by a falling pile of stuff I collect, and I seem to be reducing my accumulation of physical stuff by turning to collecting digital books. So technology may yet save me from having to actual deal with my neuroses.
Anyway good luck with not being a nerd, on you it works.
You’ve inspired me to be just a little bit less self-indulgent and inward focused (although hopefully just reinforcing a pre-existing trend).
You could have titled this “Why I’m not a Nerd” as a parallel to another post you made.
Hey Allan,
Thanks for the the thoughtful reply. Some of the reasons you describe for amassing “stuff” are also reasons I recognize in myself — when I try to whittle down my shelves of books, it’s been particularly difficult to combat the “but what if I NEED this sometime?” feeling. And I do often feel guilty when I borrow books from the library instead of buying them when they’re by debut authors I know. Perhaps I’m just lucky in that most of the things I like *are* available at a lending library, for free.
Interesting point re: nerds as a previous outcast social group; you’re right, I think a lot of the negative energy from the nerd community comes from those who focus on outcast status as a marker of “nerd cred” (e.g. the video I linked to). I suspect there’s also an element of upward mobility shock: when one defines oneself as the outcast and the underdog — and many “nerdy” media emphasize the heroic journey of outcasts in contrast to the “wrong” dominant social group — the idea of being “popular” or “mainstream” is, perhaps, threatening.
Also thanks for the kind wishes — back at you: best of luck :)
Sarah