Separated at birth?

In light of this recent unfortunate news story , it’s important that we root out and record all instances of twins raised apart. I therefore put to you the case of Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore and Willy Wonka.

 

The evidence:

 

1. Fondness for sweets. Wonka spends his life inventing things like everlasting gobstoppers. Dumbledore chooses the names of candies for his passwords and offers sherbet lemons to every sucker unfortunate enough to enter his office.

 

2. Holds a position of public responsibility yet fulfills it in an astonishingly opaque manner. At the Wonka Factory, nobody ever goes in, and nobody ever comes out. Nobody at Hogwarts seems to know what the heck Albus is up to, often for no other reason than he doesn’t feel like sharing his knowledge. Can you imagine the questions at the PTA meetings?

 

3. Likes to reward blind trust. As long as Harry is a little sheep who remains personally loyal to Dumbledore, he’s able to defeat Voldemort (“But why do I have sacrifice myself, Professor?” “Sorry, Harry, need-to-know basis!”) As long as Charlie and Grandpa Joe trust Mr. Wonka, they’ll get out of that factory in the same condition in which they came in.

 

4. Possesses outlandish wardrobe, often purple. Dumbledore makes his first appearance on Privet Drive in “a purple cloak which swept the ground and high-heeled, buckled boots”. Willy Wonka greets his visitors wearing “a tail coat made of a beautiful plum-coloured velvet”. Coincidence? I think not.

 

5. Has weird eyes. Dumbledore’s are “light, bright, and sparkling”. Wonka’s are “most marvellously bright” and “[seem] to be sparkling and twinkling at you the whole time”. Clearly, both men have been born with Christmas lights set in their faces.

 

6. Does not care about parents’ rights to determine what happens to their children. Pssssh, why would the muggleborn kids’ parents need to know about the political turmoil in the wizarding world? And why on Earth do grown adults keeping making such a fuss about little things like their daughter getting turned into a blueberry?

 

7. Seems to feel that morality is a dish best served without explanation or detailed warning. “Don’t transmit yourself with Wonkavision because I say so” is different from “Don’t transmit yourself with Wonkavision because we won’t be able to return you to your regular size and, besides, obsessing over television is harmful to your intellect”. Telling people to choose what’s right over what’s easy is different from actually discussing what’s right.

 

8. Keeps a contingent of in-all-but-name slaves, but is a “good” master. After all, Dumbledore is nice to the House Elves, isn’t he? And didn’t Wonka bring the Oompa Loompas out of their horrible caterpillar-eating existence in Loompaland to feed them cacao, their favourite food? Nothing morally objectionable going on here, folks!

 

9. Demands personal loyalty. Wonka is looking for a child-successor because he’s afraid an adult will want to do things his own way, not Wonka’s. Dumbledore provides help in the school to those who truly believe in him. Lots of fuss about being “Dumbledore’s man”.

 

10. Creative genius. *resists urge to quote the bit about Dumbledore doing things with his wand that the examiners had never seen before* No, but, seriously, Dumbledore’s supposed to be able to do all sorts of crazy magic no one else can even dream of. Wonka, however, outclasses him, what with the constantly inventing crazy kinds of candy, like mints to turn your enemy’s mouth green and marshmallow pillows and de-aging vitamins. (Sorry, Harry Potter fans, but are Dumbledore’s inventions yummy? I didn’t think so.)

 

11. Makes plans that rest entirely with a single, saviour child. Geez, Dumbledore, if you found that Horcrux in the cave, why couldn’t you find the others instead of leaving it to Harry? Or at least put more people on the quest? Wonka, do you really think putting your entire factory in the hands of a boy who has no idea how to run a Boy Scout patrol, much less a company, is a good idea? Maybe you could at least get him an assistant?

 

12. Likes to make an entrance. Need I mention “Nitwit, blubber, oddment, tweak”? Or Wonka’s funny little dance when he meets the children?

 

13. Often decides not to tell other people important things. Liiiiiike… Lord Voldemort is actually Tom Riddle? Snape is going to kill him on purpose? Harry needs to die to kill Voldie? The Great Glass Elevator will take them to outer space where there are deadly Vermicious Knids? The factory is full of dangerous machinery and comestibles?

 

14. Funny beards. Wonka’s is a neat little goatee. Dumbledore’s is long and flowing.

 

Coincidence? Or long-lost blood relation? You decide!

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