All My Favourite Fictional Characters Are Jerkwads
Roll call!
Severus Snape (J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter series) – see post from August 2nd
Sherlock Holmes (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s series of mysteries) – Yeah, Holmes fights for justice and what’s right, blah blah blah. But where does he get off faking his own death for three years and not telling his best friend? “Oh, sorry, I thought you’d give the game away, since you’re a bad liar and all. What’s that? Your wife died in the meantime and you thought you were left ALL ALONE IN THE WORLD? Whew, snakes on a plane, man.” Bitch, please.
the Phantom of the Opera (Gaston Leroux’s novel of the same name) – Drops a chandelier on an innocent concierge’s head. Kidnaps the soprano with whom he falls in love. Threatens to blow up the Opera unless she marries him. Definitely not a contender for Mr. Universe, but not about to win Miss Congeniality, either.
Raphael (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) – Cool, but rude.
Sir Brian de Bois-Guilbert (Sir Walter Scott’s novel Ivanhoe) – What do you call a knight who kidnaps a beautiful woman so he can “have his way with her”, only to fall in love with her fiery spirit when she threatens to throw herself out a tower window rather than submit? Dude, you think maybe she’s not just playing hard to get?
Doctor Who (um… Doctor Who) (Edit: When I first wrote this, I was just getting into the Doctor… and that’s about as far as my foray into this fandom went. Sorry, Whodom, nothing personal. But I don’t want to give the wrong impression.) – Okay, he’s on a mission to save the universe, but maybe not so good at the whole, you know, explaining-things-to-people-before-they-risk-their-lives-for-them thing. Still charismatic and cool, but… just sayin’.
Captain Jas. Hook (Sir J. M. Barrie’s Peter Pan and Wendy) – He “massacres Indians/ Kills the Lost Boys/”, and is altogether a little too obsessed with Peter Pan. (Man, that “Mysterious Lady” number in the musical where Peter suddenly pretends to be a woman, and Hook chases “her” lecherously around the stage? Riiiiiight…) Hook breaks his oaths, treats Smee like dirt, and puts good form above good morals. But how can you not like a villain who laments, “no little children love me”?
Mr. Spock (Star Trek) – YOUR MOM is illogical.
Fox Mulder (The X Files) – Fine, you’re traumatized from the disappearance of your sister when you were a kid. You have trust issues because your parents were distant and secretive and involved in a conspiracy selling the entire human species to hostile aliens. Here’s a thought: why don’t you try therapy instead of treating your partner like an afterthought? (“There’s a slight chance of finding aliens?! Sweet! I’ll tear halfway across the country in the middle of the night without telling anyone… wait, Scully might be mad that I’m not there at the really important hearing tomorrow morn– hey, look, a close encounter of the third kind!”)
Nero Wolfe (Rex Stout’s series of mysteries) – Seriously, who died and made you head princess? “Blah, blah, blah, I don’t like women; blah, blah, blah, this food isn’t gourmet enough for me; blah, blah, blah, I don’t wanna solve mysteries or do anything that would require moving my ass out of my chair. Archie, go do the gruntwork! Fritz, bring me a beer!”
Eustace Clarence Scrubb (C. S. Lewis’s The Chronicles of Narnia) – Even C. S. Lewis agrees he almost deserves his name.
Willy Wonka (Roald Dahl’s Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) – Not only does buddy commit all sorts of child neglect and abuse, he appears to be operating on a colonial system of ethics. Don’t be silly, Oompa-Loompas want to be paid in cacao beans. Only civilized people care about working long hours and testing harmful products and money. Oh, Gene Wilder, you can make anyone seem whimsical and charming…
Dexter Morgan – A serial killer who kills only other serial killers. Is that sort of like Bertrand Russell’s set that contains all sets that do not contain themselves? Not really.
The entire Addams family (The Addams Family) – I have a soft spot in my heart for characters whom the audience first meets pouring boiling oil on the heads of Christmas carollers.
What can I say? I promise you, my taste in real people isn’t half as masochistic. Or, at least, if you’re my friend, you better hope so…