Top 10 X Files Episodes: By Me and My 16-Year-Old Self

Hey there, 16-year-old self!

Hey, 31-year-old self!

You probably didn’t expect this back in 2001, but The X Files is back! With a six-episode miniseries.

No way! Do Mulder and Scully finally make out? Just kidding, I’m way too embarrassed to admit that’s one of the main reasons I love this show. I mean, I’m a shipper, but for very logical plot and storybuilding reasons, not because Mulder and Scully are both hot and I sympathize with Mulder and romance makes me feel things.

Of course. Well, the make-out question is better left for you to find out on your own, trust me. Anyway, I thought we might write a blog entry together–

Blog? Like, Livejournal?

… sure. I wanted to discuss our top 10 X Files episodes.

Sounds great.

Let’s do it!

1. 5×01, 5×02 “Redux” I/II
This episodes are awesome! Scully’s in grave mortal danger from the cancer the aliens gave her, so Mulder returns from faking his own death. There’s lots of great shipper moments, and the drama of one of our main characters almost dying, and interaction with Scully’s family, who are all jerks to Mulder.

Well, of course they’re jerks to Mulder: their sister/daughter is dying, and he’s running around screaming about aliens.

But he feels so bad about it. He thinks her illness is his fault.

Yeah, but just because he feels bad doesn’t mean he bears no responsibility for this situation. He’s kind of a jerk who makes it all about himself.

But such a romantic jerk. 10/10 would angst over again.

That meme doesn’t even exist in your time.

2. 3×20 “Jose Chung’s From Outer Space”

What’s that?

You haven’t seen it yet. It aired when we were 11. That wasn’t exactly prime X-Files-watching time for us. And Netflix doesn’t exist yet for you, so…

Is it roma–uh, shipper-y?

It’s hilarious. Possibly also romantic? In that we get some great Mulder-Scully banter. But there’s also Alex Trebek, and meta-fiction, and Mulder eating a ton of pie–

Wait, Alex Trebek?

You’ll have to trust me on this one.

3. 7×17 “all things”

Ugh.

What do you mean “ugh”? This episode was awesome. It opened with Scully getting ready in the morning at Mulder’s apartment! With Mulder in bed behind her!

Yeah…

Like they hooked up!

First of all, sixteen-year-old me, you would never have used the phrase “hooked up.” Second, if I correctly interpreted the ambiguity, they didn’t. There was a lot of weird on-the-nose thematic stuff, and even though Gillian Anderson knocked it out of the park acting-wise (as usual), her writing and direction felt at tonal odds with the rest of the show.

But who better to delve into Scully’s feelings? And the past relationship she’s afraid to face? Don’t you often point out how this show and its female characters are written by a bunch of dudes? Isn’t it nice to have Scully written by an actual woman, for a change?

Touché, self.

4. 6×18 “The Unnatural”

You’re just saying this to get back at me for Gillian Anderson’s episode, aren’t you? David Duchovny wrote and directed this one.

Yeah, I know. And you hated it when it first aired.

Darn right. I’m not watching The X Files for random sci-fi stories. I’m watching it for Mulder and Scully, who are barely in this episode.

What about the bit at the end where he “teaches” her how to swing a bat?

Too little, too late.

But all that aside, it’s still a clever and well put-together story about an alien who really likes playing baseball. Once I let go of caring only about Mulder and Scully, I enjoyed it.

Enough to put it on a list of best episodes?

Honestly, probably not, but it’s worth a re-watch. Just like…

5. 7×12 “X-Cops”

Hey, no fair! How come you get two in a row?

Because this is another one that I think deserves a second chance. Yes, we also disliked it when we saw it the first time–

So weird! So boring! So not enough Mulder and Scully!

–but in the fullness of time, I’ve grown to understand a lot of the humour. And this episode (despite some weird homophobic stereotypes that we can hope are satire of the “Cops” part but which probably aren’t, considering the franchise’s track record) is pretty funny.

Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!
Also, “in the fullness of time”? How do I grow up to be a bigger dork than I am in high school?

With a lot of practice. Mulder and Scully get followed by a police reality-series team as they track down some fear-monster thing wreaking havoc in an urban neighbourhood. The resulting chaos pokes fun at both the reality genre and our favourite paranormal-investigating FBI agents.

6. 6×06 “How the Ghosts Stole Christmas”
Thank G-d, finally my turn again. This episode… wait, aren’t you going to disagree?

No way! This episode is awesome!

Really? We finally both like the same one?

Hells yeah!

… wow, you’re old. Anyway, this episode features Mulder and Scully investigating a haunted house on Christmas Eve. Legend has it, it’s haunted by the ghosts of two lovers who killed each other/themselves and now torment anyone who visits. Well, mostly, couples who visit.

And also the ghosts are played by Lily Tomlin and Ed Asner.

… I don’t really know who those are yet.

You can tell they’re awesome, though, right?

Oh yeah.

7. 5×05 “The Post-Modern Prometheus”

Here’s another one we both like.

Is this the one all in black-and-white?

Yeah. It’s kind of an affectionate parody of Frankenstein, with Cher and Jerry Springer and the Great Mutato, and Mulder and Scully dancing together.

I’ve read Frankenstein! Recently!

I don’t remember it much though tbh.

And I don’t know what “tbh” stands for. But I liked that they danced and that it was one of the good-hearted episodes. Even though the show tortures its main characters, it likes to tell a surprising number of upbeat stories that highlight the goodness and love humanity is capable of.

I would’ve said, “of which humanity is capable.”

I figured, you dork.

8. 3×04 “Clyde Bruckman’s Final Repose”

Another one I haven’t seen?

It’s probably literally against the law not to include this on an X Files best-episode list. In this episode–which also features hilarious weirdoes like the Stupendous Yappi–Mulder and Scully encounter a man who can tell you how you’re going to die.

Stupendous… you know what, I’ll take your word for it.

It has Peter Boyle as the eponymous character.

Who?

You know, from Young Frankenstein? The dad on Everybody Loves Raymond?

I haven’t seen the first yet and don’t know why you think the second is a selling point.

Nevermind.

9. 7×04 “Millennium”

*rolls eyes*

What? They finally kiss. For real. In the canon of the show and not in a dream or something. How is that not noteworthy?

You don’t even like that scene either.

Yeah, it’s not a very romantic kiss. It doesn’t signal either character’s personal growth or even suggest they’ve made a new decision. It’s like… a complete anticlimax. Mulder even says so.

“The world didn’t end”?

Yeah.

I don’t even remember the plot of this one. Just a vague feeling of disappointment.

Zombies or something. And… wrapping up Chris Carter’s other show, Millennium, that neither of us cares about at all. Still: a kiss is a kiss.

10. 4×20 “Small Potatoes”

There’s a ton of other great episodes to recommend, but I think we can both agree it has to come back to this one.

This episode’s autopsy scene was the very first part of the show I saw. With Mulder and Scully doing their banter thing, their chemistry pretty much palpable.

It’s a great episode. When a bunch of babies are mysteriously born with tails, Mulder and Scully find themselves chasing a schlubby Monster-of-the-Week with a mutant power I won’t spoil here. Let’s just say it’s the type that facilitates comedic turns and slapstick cases of mistaken identity.

I’ve never actually seen the whole thing. Just the one scene.

You will.

I gathered. And, anyway, from that one scene, obsessive fandom was born.

Since I’m writing this over fifteen years later, I can’t argue with that.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.