The One Bad Thing About the World Not Ending…

… is now I have to explain how horribly I did with last year’s resolutions.

1. How to successfully write, revise, and defend a doctoral dissertation.

I owe thanks to way too many people to start listing them here, but most of all to my tireless supervisor, who worked hard to push my defense to June 1, and to my brilliant committee members and external, who all put in so much effort to help me get this done before the summer. All right!

2. How to get a post-graduation job, whether that means expanding my small business, nabbing a postdoc or academic position, selling my writing, finding another career, or all of the above!

Check it out: instructor!

3. How to get a paper accepted for publication in a peer-reviewed academic journal.

Heh heh… awkward. You wouldn’t think it would take so much time to write when I have so much material.

I’m just gonna pretend that writing my dissertation in ~2 months wore me out so much that I didn’t even want to look at my notes for a while. You know, like that time when I was a kid when I made myself sick on Lucky Charms and then couldn’t stand to smell them? Like that.

Actually, I’m starting to think it’s not so much pretend as I wish it were. But I’m ready to get back in the saddle.

4. How to donate blood (or get medically disqualified from doing so, should that turn out to be the case).

Yeesh, shame, shame, shame. People have even offered to come with me for this one (although others *cough*mysister*cough* have talked a lot about biiiiig scaaaaary needles). Maybe one of you should just organize this without telling me. For crying out loud, I live down the street from a permanent clinic.

5. How to downhill ski, water-ski, or both.

My injured arm seemed to feel better as the year progressed, so maybe next year will be a good year for this. I’m sure I can find a cousin or two to volunteer to drive the boat and/or teach me, right, guys?

6. How to play the jaw harp.

Not yet. C’mon, how can this be harder than the violin? (Sidenote: next Sherlock Holmes adaptation, he/she plays the jaw harp. IT WOULD BE AMAZING, AND YOU KNOW IT.)

7. How to build a novel that consists of nine self-contained short stories.

First draft is done since yesterday, but that still doesn’t count because it is now January! Next phase: Novel-Writing II: The Revisionating.

8. How to mix a martini. Because why not?

Because they taste like car exhaust, that’s why not.

9. How to wear earrings.

I’m glad I gave this one a try, but I think I’ll pass on earrings, even clip-ons of my own design, for now. They pinch, and also, they’re just not me. Still, I will forever treasure the memories of the trip to Michael’s with JB and Natalie that resulted in my earring-materials purchase and also almost our permanent residence in Michael’s. They shouldn’t allow us in that store.

10. How to send out an average of one writing submission, of any sort, per work week.

Oh dear. Halfway there, then derailed by dissertation. Now I’m going to spend some time shaping up what I have so I have more and better stuff to send out.

From 2011:

5.  All the information in the dozens of unread books currently on my shelves.

I made a huge dent! Mostly from getting rid of books, but whatever!

I need to get unattached from books enough to get rid of more of them that I won’t read or else start reading like a fox ( a fox who reads a lot). At least I finally finished the poetry collection with really tiny writing and really thin pages that I started when I set this goal  two years ago.

8. How to stop on my left foot while skating. (sigh)

Can do! Now I just need to be able to do it confidently enough to use in an actual game of ice hockey. I still reflexively go for my right foot when I need to stop fast. It’s stronger, but practice will make perfect.

From 2010:

3. How to switch from skating forward in one direction to skating backward in that same direction without having to stop first.

Not very well or very fast, but I learned during hockey practice in the spring. I assume more ice hockey will only improve these skills. Yay!

4. How to play The Orange Box and Portal without dying, turning off the computer in fright at Ravenholm, and/or getting stuck in the corner every two seconds.

I think I need a video game valet. “Is Madame unsure what to do other than jump into the walls looking for a way out? Perhaps Madame would like to consider backing up and turning down the opposite corridor that she seems to believe is the one she came from but is actually a new area.”

5. How to work with a literary agent and editor.

Next year!

6. How to speak and read German and/or Yiddish.

Just keep swimmin’…

7. How to fence (the way that involves swords, not pickets).

Thank you, Debra and Groupon! Only one lesson completed, but I can’t wait to take more in 2013. So far, I’m really, really impressed with this club’s inclusive atmosphere and its professionalism.

And for 2013 (like I don’t have enough carryover from the first three years of this blog):

1. Uh… Novel-Writing II: The Revisionating.
2. How to hem dress pants and curtains without requiring the assistance of a tailor. And without the finished article looking like I did it myself, which it will without instruction or borrowing of a sewing machine.
3. How to be Cinderella. My sleep schedule has gone to hell. Night-owl friends, I love you very much, but I also love not being sick all the damn time. So, unless the event is specifically about sticking around until midnight (e.g. New Year’s Eve) or a professional commitment (e.g. tech night), I want to be on my way home to bed or getting ready for bed by the stroke of 12. Please help me out with this by kicking me out or by leaving my apartment no matter what I say as is appropriate to the venue of the social event.
4. How to program in Python (started!)…
5.JavaScript, (started!)…
6.jQuery ,
7.and Ruby. (Codecademy, folks! I’m bad at sitting down and doing educational stuff for no reason, but I love earning marks and/or badges!)
8. How to plan and execute a real-life Murder Mystery Weekend at a rented house this May. (So excited!)
9. How to be my own Internet nanny. I waste so much time on sites that barely amuse me apart from the one article or entry that drew me there in the first place — Failblog, Dear Blank Please Blank, FML, Thought Catalog etc. From now on, I will teach myself to use the Internet only to complete essential tasks and to keep up with friends and family. I think this will involve using my phone to browse more often, because I won’t waste time reading silly things when I need to wait thirty seconds for each image to load.
10. How to do the one-submission-on-average-per-work-week thing. For reals this year! No take-backsies!

 

9 Replies to “The One Bad Thing About the World Not Ending…”

    1. I’m going to plan this adventure. Sarah won’t see it coming. Let me know if you want in on the fiendish plan.

        1. Sar, I’m sad that I scared you re: big needles. They terrify me, too, but if I can learn to do it, you can learn to do it (see animated Anastasia movie)! But seriously, don’t worry. I’ve had nothing but good (actually, great) experiences with CDN Blood Services!! They’re really awesome and they make the big needle seem not so scary. :)

          Good thing you have friends like Juliana and Dave who’ll go with :)

          Be sure to drink lots of fluids (esp. water and OJ) and eat a big breakfast on the day you go :)

          Now that I know your list, I can force you to do some of them. Grood? Grood.

  1. My offical New Years’ resolution was to read all English literature in Chronological order. Stop writing so much so I have a chance of getting to the present.

  2. Congratulations on your new job, Dr. Kriger! I’ll be working on # 1 and #10 of your 2013 goals right along with you.

  3. Re: needles. I am a big baby regarding them. I have my iPod with me, earbuds in, listening to a super-good song. It works very nicely. Also, relaxing helps.

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